sunday confessions : i was an idiot in gradeschool

ok, so my appreciation for the opposite sex started way too early but what can a young girl do? hahaha!

anyway, uncle C may have been my first McDreamy but there was another one and this other one really gave me those knee-wobbling-can't-speak-when-he's-around kinda stuff. lets just call him AD.

when i was in fourth grade, him and my cousin who was a year older than me were classmates. he belonged to the cool upper levels and i was in awe the minute i saw him. all i could think of was to find ways of spending time with him in close proximity. he was a member of the glee club so i auditioned. he was a drummer for the school band so i asked my lola to buy me an instrument so i can join and i did. i didn't care if i had no idea what a lyre was. i just had to be in the same room with him even for like an hour each day and i'd be happy. my evening prayers included asking God to make him have a crush on me. seriously.

now, did we become friends? no. did we exchange a single conversation? no. why? because i was such an idiot!

i had my most embarrasing moment and i mean THE most embarrasing moment with him. there were several instances when i acted like a fool around him. once, as i was about to go down the stairs, i saw him like 4 steps away, going towards me. before i even thought of smiling or making a really good impression, my nerves got the best of me. i literally blurted "oh my God" and ran the opposite direction. a few minutes later, he went inside my classroom. what did i do? i ran and hid inside the brooms closet! pathetic! i stayed there for what seemed like ages. when i went out, my friend said he was looking for me. it was Valentines day! crap!!!!

okay so that was only the first. another happened when i went camping. yes, i was a Girl Scout and he was a Boy Scout. and in my school, campings were usually done for both simultaneously. one of the activities was the help the girls day where the boys would help us girls with whatever need we had. that time, i was on water duty so, with a pail in hand, i was gonna go and fetch some water. AD saw me and, together with another boy, walked towards me. now, one would see this as a perfect opportunity. he was gonna help me and i would say thank you. but no! the minute i realized what he was about to do, i went straight for his friend. gave him my pail. and yes, you guessed it. i ran. again. away from him.

i still wanna kick myself for acting like an idiot. i was such a pussy!

it's been over 2 decades now and i still laugh at myself when it comes up in conversations. hmn...i wonder where he is now?

something to think about

i'm seriously thinking about the audition. really. it did say all shapes and sizes. plus i'm a fairly decent singer (at least that's what friends and family tell me). i've even memorized most of the songs in Miss Saigon, Avenue Q, Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera and Jekyll & Hyde (all of which are my favorites).

now all i have to do is choose a song, that is, after i've mustered 'nuff courage to actually go. hmn.

of puppy loves and childhood crushes

when i was growing up, i remember spending summers with my aunt in Manila. i was around 6 or 7 i guess and my memory of those summers were pretty vague. except for one. my aunt's hubby's youngest brother, uncle C.

he was 16, i think, and i remember him bribing us with treats if my cousin and i would take the afternoon nap to which, we would gladly oblige. he was, after all, my childhood McDreamy.

he left for Canada a few years after and i never saw him again.

tonight, after almost 25 years, i came face to face with him. his dad passed away and he came home to pay his respects. everyone who knew got all excited when i came. they were all saying uncle C is here with grins on their faces. it was hilarious. awkward but nonetheless hilarious.

he looks different. older i guess. i didn't have the chance to really look at him as i felt like a 7 yr old all over again. my childhood crush is here. long before i knew what a crush meant, i had one. really. it was silly and funny but yes, at a tender age of 7, i had my own McDreamy.

funny conversations with mama - on having a boyfriend

on Good Friday, i made a joke about why i was joining the 3-hour procession. i told everybody i was going because i will pray for a boyfriend.

my mom's face lit up. then she goes and say "sige anak, hingi ka ng isa kay Magdalena. marami naman syang boys eh" (go ahead and ask Mary Magdalene for one. she has lots of boys anyway).

yesterday, when the phone rang (it was D), her face lit up once more and said "sya na ba yung boyfriend?" (is he the boyfriend?)

sweet and hilarious, that's my mom. forever worrying about my lovelife. sometimes, i even think the reason why i don't care so much anymore is because she worries enough for the both of us.

pre - Easter blabber

my legs hurt like crazy (walked almost 3 hours for the Good Friday procession - yes, i did my thing for the Holy Week) so i'm thinkin of going back to the spa but then again, i have yet to find the perfect massage bed so i'm holding off for now. hehehe!

o0o

D called twice today but i had to beg off both times. my cousins were here so i had to be a gracious hostess. he's been calling on a schedule i noticed. since he started spending weekends with his dad, i've become his weekend mistress minus the perks of course. but then that could be arranged hahahahhaha! (now wipe that grin off your face! i know you're reading this :D)

o0o

it's Easter tomorrow. time to go egg hunting! no pun intended.

Happy Easter everyone!

American Idol 7 : Top 10

it's over for Overmyer. hurray! hurray! she just ain't my cup of tea and i'm glad rocker nurse got the boot.

here she is one last time, Amanda Overmyer singin Back in the USSR:

as for the rest, sadly, except for Brooke White's Let It Be, there hasn't been one performance that rocked my socks off. they're singing The Beatles for crying out loud. what could possibly go wrong?

hopefully, next week's performances are better. Ramiele better step up her game as she can't get by just being cute.

massage beds - bad for me boobies

this post goes out to all you ladies who are fortunate enough not to have the need for breast implants. yes, you know who you are. while it's true that having ample bossoms is indeed something to be happy about, there are times when the cons supercede the pros.

case in point : massages.

i love love love body scrubs and massages for the simple reason that they relax and loosen tense muscles. and they do. most of the time. half of the time. ok, only when i'm on my back. as soon as the therapist asks me to lie face down, the semi-torture begins. i mean, having your boobies pressed towards the bed isn't really fun.

can't they make beds that have like three holes instead of just one? you know, one for the head and the other two for the ladies? just a thought.

sometimes it helps to not know

what you don't know won't hurt you normally is the case. normally. but i'm far from being normal i guess, as i've lived by "what i don't know scares the shit out of me" principle.

i need to know. even if it breaks my heart to a million pieces and more, i need to know. i'd rather be aware than be caught off guard as i don't like the feeling of not being in control.

however, there are instances when, after knowing stuff, i'd wish i didn't. often, enough these are things which do not directly concern me nor my family. admittedly, i have a knack for making people open up to me. it's a gift i guess and i feel honored that they find it comforting to confide to me.

from closet homosexuals who are afraid to come out but decided i'd be cool knowing that they'r gay, to cheating boyfriends who expect me to understand that that's what guys do, to juicy office gossip which everyone knows but refuse to talk about, name it and chances are, i've had a friend who, at one point, have told me about it.

now, if it's just information retention, it's ok. i could do that anytime. but if moral judgement and write vs wrong dilemma is involved, where do i draw the line? do i shut my mouth and sit still holding no judgement at all? or do i give my piece and risk hurting their feelings? is it still my business even if it really isn't?

sometimes i wish i should've been a tattletale. then people won't tell me stuff anymore.

American Idol 7 : Top 11

to quote my ever so favorite idol judge Simon Cowell, America's choices for the bottom three tonight were "spot-on".

David Hernandez' over the top take on I Saw Her Standing There was enough for him to be sent home. too bad his perfect brows didn't do their magic this time.

here's one last look at David:

*****

is it just me or is Ryan Seacrest becoming real obnoxious lately. his continuous banter with Simon, while fun in the beginning, is getting old and is starting to annoy me.

we were kids once more

when we were young, i must say that we were blessed with such wonderful parents. we were never rich, in fact, in my earlier years, my dad was in between jobs and my mom barely made ends meet. we lived a simple life and we were happy. we would go out every Sunday and just spend time together. we may not have been blessed with expensive clothes or lived in a house with a pool and a maid but we were just as happy.

we were, however, blessed with the fondest of childhood memories. from the great London Circus to Spellbound to the moving Christmas display at COD in Cubao not to mention countless carousel rides at the Fiesta Carnival, my siblings and i were always thrilled.

often over dinner, we would talk about those times. happy times indeed. and we never get tired talking about it.

last night, my brother, gave us the chance to be kids again. he got us tickets for the Wanders show at PAGCOR'S Grand Theater at the Airport Casino. excited cannot begin to describe how we all felt. it was like the London Circus all over again. only bigger because this time, it was on us and my parents were there as guests.

my brother could not have picked a better show to watch. from start to finish, people were clapping. it was simply awesome. the lights, the costumes, the music, it was like being in Vegas. there were showgirls, contortionists, drummers (kinda like the bluemen in Vegas, only they were green), acrobats and fab fab singers and dancers. the aerial acrobatics cum cirque de soleil was my favorite. there were chills when dancers appeared from the ceiling, ever so gracefully dancing on air. it was spectacular.

last night was one of the best nights of my adult life. we were kids once again and my parents loved every minute of it.

*****

we were not allowed to bring in cameras so i wasn't able to take snapshots and videos. in any case, just to give you an idea on what the show is about, you may click on this link. it runs til Dec. 29 and is a must for the kids and the kids at heart.

busted!

D: i read your blog

me: and?

D: magagalit na naman mga friends mo sa akin (your friends will get mad again)

me: feeling?

D: call you later

first, i didn't know he reads this. second, there was nothing really incriminating in my post. which is just too bad!

bummer! now that i know he reads this, how can i write about my hidden desires for him??? hahaha! oh well, he's just gonna have to deal with it! (uy excited! can't wait to read the next post about him hahahaha!)

soon, my friend. soon. (*c*)

frozen

now, if someone does that here, people will go crazy hehe!

all that a GIRL ever needs

got this from a friend.

"All that a GIRL ever needs is ONE GUY
Who would be man enough to prove that guys aren’t all the same

He may not be PERFECT
May not be the man of steel
He just has to be HONEST
And he needs to be REAL."

so true. so. very. true.

deng it! i shouldn't have watched The Notebook. now i'm all mushy and i hate it! crap!

sunday confessions : radio junkie

when i was in high school, music to me was like butter is to toast. i memorized knew all the new songs and radio station surfing was a staple.

did i stop there? was i contented with just listening? hell no! you see, i was once what you may call a radio junkie. i used to call these radio stations for tickets or requests or contests or just to hear myself on air. best part is, i thought it was cool. even my friends thought so too. hello? who wouldn't? i get to go to concerts and premiers and i get to say hi to all these fab DJs. see, back in the day, if you knew a DJ personally, then you got it. hahaha! well, at least that's how i felt then. like a million bucks.

i'd spend hours talking to these DJs on the phone. and for a high school kid, that was huge. it was like talkin to a celebrity or something.

now, one would think that hours spent on the phone with people who sound really really hot on the radio is enough. yes? well, not for me. there was a time when i'd go to these radio stations just to say hi. ok, maybe flirt a little. i mean, that's what teenagers do right?

some of the best days of my life happened in highschool and i wouldn't trade being a radio junkie for soirees and what nots. it was a phase, i know. but during that shortlived phase, i felt like a highschool rockstar! :D

boy updates

i just got off the phone with D. yes, he's sorta back in my life. no, not back back. just back. we've been hogging the phone talking these past two weekends and it's been great. just like old times, only this time, we're older and wiser i hope.

and since guy bestfriend is still indisposed, i welcome D's return.

*****

as for peter pan, i realized that we really don't fit. he's a friend and will remain such until we both turn gray and wrinkley.

*****

there's this guy in my building whom i've had the hugest crush on since the day i first saw him at the elevator. you know, the kind you had in highschool where just the mere sight of him makes your knees wobble? i have that hahaha. since i don't know his name, plus the fact that it is so apt, i decided to call him my big boy papa (jologs mode on! hahaha!) anyway, he's been MIA for who knows how long. bummer! i wonder where he is.

*****

ps. why i wrote that last bit about this big boy papa still puzzles me hahaha!

American Idol 7 : Top 12

now the real competition begins.

diva-licious Danny Noriega didn't make the final cut. vocally, he isn't the strongest but his antics are really hilarious and very entertaining. i'd choose him over obnoxious Chikezie anytime.

Asia'h Epperson's take on another huge song may not have impressed both the judges and the viewers but i personally didn't think it was that bad. rocker nurse Amanda Overmyer should've been voted off instead.

as for the other two, the results were no-brainer. Britney impersonator Kady Malloy's lack of personality and constant wrong song choices did it for her. she sings Britney better than she does herself anyway. Legolas look-alike Luke Menard finally got the boot. hurray hurray! he just sounds so whiney each time and i couldn't endure another week of his voice. sorry. he's an eye-candy but he sings like a lady.

David Archuleta remains my favorite with Brooke White coming in a far second. i wanna love Ramiele Malubay but for some reason, i can't. not just yet. i know she has that big voice but she has yet to put on a performance that showcases that.

early favorite Michael Johns< who blew me away on Hollywood week seems to be getting worse week after week. i just hope he does better on the weeks to come. wouldn't want to lose another eye-candy now, do we?

******

PS. what the heck is wrong with Paula Abdul?????? it's painful watching/listening to her go on and on and on and on like a broken CD, skipping one track after another. sheesh!

an ache rekindled

over lunch today, across my table, was an elderly lady in a wheelchair. she was having lunch with her family and i couldn't help but watch as her son patiently sliced pieces of chicken for her to eat. she had no teeth and i smiled as she tried to chew her food. she was frail and yet there's this aura of happiness in her. she reminded me of my grandmother. she was a whole lot like her.

inang (that's how we all call her) passed away in 2003 and i still get all weepy when i think about her. seeing this old lady today made me miss her even more. albeit several strokes and a couple of operations, she had a wonderful life.

i was lucky. of the 30 (and still counting) grandchildren, i was the only one who grew up with her. i feel bad for my nieces and nephews who didn't have the chance to meet her. she was simply the best.

it's been almost 5 years now and still, the pain of losing her is just as strong. i miss her. i miss everything about her.

it pays to wait

i finally got to watch The Notebook. i know it's been long overdue but what can i do? i loved the book so much that when the movie version was shown, for fear of being disappointed yet again, i refused to watch it. it was the best love story ever told and i didn't want some money hungry movie maker ruin it for me.

last night, however, as i was going through my DVDs, i chanced upon a copy. i figured, since i've read the book ages ago, it will not have that much of an impact if the movie sucked.

so i watched.

and it was beautiful.

by the end of the film, i was sobbing like a baby. really, i was. it has nothing to do with the way the movie was done or how noah and allie's story was presented. it was the story itself and the words that the writers used. it was perfect. even the ending, though completely different from the way Nicholas Sparks ended his book, was perfect.

to the pessimists and jaded, a love like that doesn't exist still, there are those who continue to believe that it does.

i choose to be the latter. it gives me something wonderful to look forward to. that no matter how long it takes me, i'm gonna have my turn again someday.

sunday confessions : there was a time when...

i'm starting a series called sunday confessions, where, as the title implies, i will be sharing personal stuff about myself. some trivial, while others may shock even my closest and dearest friends.

as the first of the series, i figured, it has to be something really big. so what better way to start off than to go through my personal journal from years ago.

feb. 2003
He wasn’t even my type! I usually go for the tall, chunky-chubby guy who speaks so well that I wouldn’t mind talking to him all night! One whom I can argue with and can hold his ground coz believe me, I can be one stubborn bitch at times! Everyone who knows me knows about this! I mean, I wouldn’t be caught dead with a skinny, 5’7 guy who shies away at the first sign of an argument! There’s just no thrill, no fun in it! Besides, I want someone whom I can feel safe with, yung tipong feeling ko e kahit may umaway sa akin he’ll come to the rescue!

Pero siyet! At isa pang siyet! I spoke too soon!

Tired of a number of failed, shitty, crappy relationships, I was doing quite well being single. For the first time in a long time I was happy being alone. I have come to realize that I don’t need a man to make me happy. I was doing things when I want to where I want to and with whom I want to. I was having fun…taking my time…not wanting to be with someone unless I’m pretty sure he’s gonna be "the one". I have become so cynical that whenever I meet someone, I have to always be two steps ahead and it worked out pretty well.

Then he came along….all 5’7 of him! Hehe! The first time we met, I knew he wasn’t my type. Aside from the fact that he’s not tall and big enough, he didn’t sound nice! I mean, he wasn’t stupid or anything, he was witty in fact but he just didn’t sound nice! Call me shallow but first impressions matter to me and that time, he was the least bit impressive. But he was so nice and funny that I thought we could be good friends.

He would call me everyday…constantly send me text messages…even drive all the way from Pasig to Makati para magyosi break lng kasama ako! We’d talk about his family…my past relationships…basically anything! Often, he’d come pick me up in the morning to bring me to work and then bring me home after office. The office guard knows him already.

I was happy…we were happy just being friends.

And then it happened…the one thing I feared the most happened. He said he loved me! At first I didn’t take it seriously. Sabi ko natutuwa lang sya sa akin…he didn’t love me, he was just lonely. At least that’s what I wanted to believe.

I gave in eventually…and at that time, we were the happiest, I was the happiest. I kept him to myself knowing that my friends wouldn’t understand if they find out. We had our own world. I have never felt that much love for someone…and I never thought I’d be given that much love in return….he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not a day passes that we won’t see or talk to each other. He was everything I hoped and prayed for, and more. I learned to appreciate the simple things in life…a short drive around the city, a cup of coffee, late night movie, a simple touch of a hand. Things which I normally took for granted suddenly became significant.

But as the song goes…good things never last.

We knew from the very start that it was bound to end. It was never meant to be in the first place. We just had to make our memories and when it was enough, we had to say goodbye.

We had to end it before it becomes too late for us to let go…before I start thinking of myself and hurt other people.

It had to end…and I had to move on. He was never mine to begin with. At the end of the day, no matter how happy we were, nothing would change the fact that he still has a wife.

What we had was special and I wanna leave it at that. I know for a fact that I will never be completely happy knowing that I broke a family. It may have hurt but it was the right thing to do, the least I could do. I was not raised to be a mistress. I’m more than that.

I’m not writing this to justify what I did, nor am I here to be judged and condemned.

What I did was wrong, but I don’t regret it. I felt what every girl should feel. Too bad it had to be with someone whom I can’t have. Still I was happy.

It gave me the chance to see life in a different way...made me appreciate even the simplest, most insignificant things around me. More importantly, I realized that I am capable of loving that much and be loved in the same way, even more.

If it happened once, it could happen again...hopefully, with someone whom I can really be with.

To love is to gamble. I have been betting my body, my mind and my soul to win in the game of love but rarely do I hit the jackpot. I'm into the game again believing that luck is on my side

last night for mommy duties

tomorrow, iana is going home. sad, but true. there won't be a baby when i go home from work. no more baby sounds when i sleep and the house won't be smelling like powder and milk.

things around the house will not be the same.

there will be tears that's for sure. separation anxiety is in the works. not just with me, but with the rest of my family. crap! we will just have to do with frequent visits i guess.

who would've thought that 10 days will be enough for one to fall in love eh?