and i thought he was the one

i played fair.

only to find out he was on a different court

daddy's little girl

i never thought that writing about my dad would be this difficult! i have so much to say and yet i couldn't find the right words.

i always get emotional whenever i talk about him and today is no exception. i am after all his little girl. being the eldest of 3, when i was young, papa would always tell me that i was his first love. and indeed i was. he just didn't know he was mine as well.

papa tells the funniest jokes. his stories and pranks bring sunshine on every one in the room with him and just makes everybody's day.

papa has the most caring hands. when one of us is sick, he is the first person to get up and look after us. he would stay by our bedside and wouldn't sleep until he knows we're feeling better.

papa has the gentlest voice. his words never failed to soothe and give us comfort especially when we were at our lowest. his sensitivity is a gift as he always knows when to say the right words

papa has the most beautiful soul i've ever come across. he doesn't see the bad but sees the good in people and things. he has the biggest heart, his love is unconditional. he gives without expecting any in return.

papa has the simplest of joys and each time something nice comes along he is always grateful.

i wish i could be even half the person he is.

all that i am now, i owe to him. he is a blessing. he is an angel. he's my inspiration. he is my friend and he is the best father in the world.

i may not always say it but i know he knows that i love him.

happy birthday papa!

i will be 30 soon

a few days from now, i shall bid farewell to my twenties. yes my friends, next week, i will no longer belong to the 20-something group. i will be part of the 30 and above box. (something to get used to when filling out application forms!)

dreadful? hmn...to be honest? i'm not quite sure. maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. in denial? gosh i hope not! i'm leaning more towards excited. now that's a surprise huh? i guess i've watched too much Sex and the City that their fabulous look at thirty something gals kinda rubbed on me.

i usually get emotional as my birthday draws near. this year, i intend to do otherwise. this year isn't about me. it won't be about me.

my dad and i share the same birthday. since i was born, i know he never got to celebrate his anymore. it has become more of my thing, him being older and all. this year however, i won't let that happen. this year is gonne be for him.

i would tell you more about him on my next entry. for now, suffice it is for me to say that he has the most beautiful soul i know. the most caring hands. the warmest smile. the father whom i won't ever trade for anything in the world.

the power of an EX

picture this. you broke up with him. he moved on. you moved on. you're finally happy with the one you're with and just when you thought things couldn't get any better, you found out he's deliriously happy and will soon get married. you know you don't have feelings for him anymore and yet you can't bring yourself to say "hey i'm happy for you"

then you start going over what happened with you guys. how you were when you were still together. recalling the things you do or didn't do, say or didn't say. you begin to compare how he is with his new girl. then you find out everything was totally different. he did things for her that he didn't do for you. went places with her which you guys planned on going. to top it all, he treated her like a normal human being.

you then begin to compare yourself with her. questions arise. is she prettier? sexier? smarter? funnier? taller? does she have bigger boobs? was her feet nicer than yours? did she go to a better school? does she have to die for hair that can earn a commercial? were you not good enough? is she a better person than you?

tsk tsk! not a pretty good sight i know but i'm sure lots of so called EX's tend to react in the same way. i for one am guilty. oh and you could never imagine what went on in this crazy head of mine ;)

true, i'm happy and life couldn't get any better. i found someone who appreciates and loves me the way my EX never did.

now why this recent event on my EX's life bothers me is still a puzzle. and no matter how hard i try to be happy for them, i just can't.

maybe i'm just being bitter. NOT! I'm just being normal i guess. forgive me if i have yet to develop the virtue of nobility in this aspect. all i could think of was how shitty and crappy he was with me and that he doesn't merit an ounce of happiness.

for a time i did ask the same questions. is she a better person than i am for her to deserve what i only hoped for in the past?

and then it hit me. i wouldn't be this happy had i not broken up with him. maybe I am the better person for now I have someone i deserve.

and yes, maybe someday, i will find it in my heart to be happy for him.

for now i just can't. no apologies nor disclaimers. i simply can't.

my ex-future husband

a few years back, i made a deal. that when i turn 32 and i'm still single, i'm marrying this guy.

for years he was my confidante. one whom i can talk with about anything. he made me laugh...heck he made me cry. for a time i thought he was my soulmate. the connection we had was something i know no one can ever replace. unassuming yet intense

we've lost touch...he found someone and now, i too have someone.

i'm not sure about the happily ever after part but i know i'm happy...and for now, it's what matters.

my ex future husband was once my bestfriend...i just hope we still are...

i may be nice

but i AIN'T STUPID!

thank heavens for webtrackers!

now i get to see who's been keeping watchful eyes! tsk tsk!

oh well what can i say, life is too short to even care about what other people say or think about me. frankly, i find it very amusing. you wake up and then decide who's life you're gonna ruin next geez!

i'm not raining on anyone's parade nor stepping on anyone else's shoes. i sleep well at night and the people that matter care and love me just as much. i wasn't born to please everybody..nobody can.

to each his own i guess...whatever makes you happy....

i know I AM

what he feels, i feel

i once read of an old couple who were so in love that when the wife died, the husband followed shortly after. it was a love so intense and real that even death did not break them apart.

it was a story that brought tears to my eyes. i longed for something like that and back then, i didn't think i was capable of a love so pure that when the other is hurting, the pain is just as strong for the other.

that was then. today is a different story because now i know i'm capable of such. that indeed something like that happens in real life, among real people.

a lot has happened over the weekend and it took my boyfriend's pain for me to realize how much i have grown to love him. true, they were his issues, his past. but i'm part of his present. something precious was taken away from him and i know how much he aches.

no word could make him feel better so i didn't speak. i just listened. i cried the tears he couldn' cry as i held his hand. and when he needed to be alone, i looked over him from a distance.

i love him. but this weekend made me realize that i love him more than i knew. the story about the old couple was true. if you love someone so bad, you'd feel the same way he does. it's weird but i know it's real.

finally i found what i was looking for. the kind of love that even death could not part. a love that is worth fighting for.

i love you honey....

color everywhere

ever had that feeling when you're so happy and you wanna tell the world you are but you don't just coz you want to have that moment just for yourself to enjoy and embrace?

well, today just happens to be one of those and yes i'm gonna be selfish about it for a while ;)

an empty smile, a painful laugh

if only they could drive away all you fears, remove all your doubts and ease your pain then it won’t be half as bad

truth is they can’t. but you try anyway. you put on the sweetest smile and the loudest laugh and hope that they’re enough for the rest of the world to believe that everything’s ok. all the while uttering a silent prayer that maybe, just maybe, when you try hard enough, you too will believe and the pain will just go away.

and as long as I myself can see beyond the smile, I will keep on trying.

Somebody just came in, time to smile again…