steady as a steady does

writing to me is a form of therapy. it has become my way to cope with the not so wonderful things that came my way all these years. this blog in fact, came to be as a result of a major break-up.

this has become my own space in the cyber world where i can share all my thoughts without ever thinking that i will or am being judged (i have facebook and twitter and instagram for that!)

soooo why am i not writing more????? it's not like nothing has happened to me since May!

well nothing melodramatic has happened i have to admit. so maybe that's why i haven't graced this page in a long time. you know how musicians get inspired by tragedies and heartaches? that's prolly me and writing. sadness fuels my pen so to speak. and the fact that i haven't written in a long time is reason to be thankful for i guess.

so thank you dear universe. my life is steady.
it ain't grand as i would want it to be. but maybe steady is what i need at the moment.

i'll be turning 40 next year. imma save up all my fireworks then.

ps.
i am scared shit!!!

to my best friend

a lot has happened over the last year.

you are not the same person you are the last time you celebrated your birthday

you have changed. a good change.

you are now back in Manila and are constantly around shiny, happy people.

you are back in the arms of your family - mom and ninay and your ever faithful throng of friends  who love and will fight for you no matter what.

you have gone back to your old job. a job that you truly truly love. 

you have gone from a fab fashionista to an up and coming entrepreneur.

you may have ended an era in your life but an epic one has already begun.

you are blessed. you are loved. 

what more can you ask?

Happy Birthday bitchsis. I trust the coming year is gonna be a blast.

I love you.

turned off and utterly disappointed

i thought you were more than that.
i thought you were more of a man that.

but then again i thought i knew you.

apparently i don't,

what i perceived as sensible and kind was just that, mere perceptions and far from being true.

it's just sad to know now that the person i once thought to be the closest to me was actually a complete stranger.

so now i know i made the right move. gone is the guilt. gone is the hurt.
you weren't my knight in shining armor. you were just a sucker for damsels in distress. it took me 3 years to figure it out. better late than never huh?

thank you for showing me the kind of person you really are.

song in my head. mood of my day.

I'm Not That Girl  
by Stephen Schwartz (Wicked the Musical)

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

i woke up but my right face didn't

Electromyography (EMG)

it pays to be vain. at least that's what my neurologist told me when i was admitted to the Makati Medical Center last week. had i not been vain, i wouldn't have noticed the symptoms right away.

i've been experiencing consistent pain at the back of my right ear since i got back so i went for a neuro consult last week. at first i thought it was just a simple jetlag so i didn't give it much thought until tuesday (aug. 21) when i noticed that my right eye wasn't blinking as fast as my left. being used to allergies, i thought it was just a simple attack so i took some antihistamine.

on wednesday (aug. 22) it got worse. my right eye was watery and i couldn't pucker my lips nor make bubble faces. when i looked at the mirror, i knew something was wrong. my right face wasn't reacting the same way as my left. i googled all my symptoms and looked for a good neuro so i could schedule a consult.

thursday afternoon, i went to Makati Med and was admitted right away. what i thought was jetlag turned out to be an early symptom of Bells Palsy  - "a form of facial paralysis resulting from a dysfunction of the cranial nerve VII (the facial nerve) that results in the inability to control facial muscles on the affected side" .

at the ER, the attending physician told me it was good that i went to the doctor right away. usual prognosis takes about a month or two while some percentage never recover. mine took a week. i was given antibacterial and steroids and physical therapy sessions which include electric stimulation and heat therapy as well as facial massages and exercise.

by the time i got out of the hospital last monday (aug. 27), my face was almost back to normal.

i'm still taking some meds and i still need to have physical therapy at least once a week but all is good.

so there, that's how my first month in Manila was spent. i say that's one helluva homecoming.

heading back

all good things must come to end.

my time here is up and i will be heading back to Manila in the morning.

goodbye America. you have been grand. see you in october.

iba talaga ang Pinoy

people deal with various events in life differently from others.  

what may seem tragic and hopeless to a vast majority may be considered trivial and hopeful for some. ganyan ang mga pinoy. amidst tragedies and calamities, we always find time to smile and take them all in, not with bitterness and despair but with a smile on our faces, ready and willing to help those who are far worst than we are.

our glass is always half full. never empty. 

taking care of the elderly

pag nadapa, babangon. pag masakit, iiyak ng sandali. we don't wallow. we can't afford to. to say we are used to hardships in life is an understatement. we grew up knowing we are not entitled. this may seem negative to others but that's how we are raised.  that's why we strive and work harder than the person next to us. nobody's gonna hand things to us on a silver platter. we make things happen.

no boat? this boy made his own

don't get me wrong, we don't trivialize serious matters such as natural calamities. we just don't take them hard. nangyari na eh, what's the use of crying over it for a long period of time. we are handed a bad card and yet Filipinos choose not to fold but to play their darnest best.

when Ondoy happened in 2009, people didn't have time to feel sorry for themselves or wallow in self-pity. everyone who is able to help, albeit small, lend a hand. the rich, the poor, the young and the old. again, doing so with a smile on their faces. 

the Philippines is once again in a state of calamity. the monsoon rains have not stopped for the last 2 days, engulfing most of Luzon in water. once again, i see smiling faces. they know, we know we can handle it just like we always do.

reaching out to help

Filipinos always find solidarity in times of trouble. we always find the silver lining - the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. we remain strong and undeterred and resilient at every blow life throws us. we believe that things will work out in the end. we never lose hope. 

it goes without saying that we don't just sit and wait for our knight in shining armor. we deal. we stand and help ourselves up and move on and in doing so, we still have the energy and love to help those we meet along the way.

as in Ondoy, i am not there to witness it all. looking at the pictures and videos, i cannot help but feel not sorry but proud. relief and rescue efforts mostly from private individuals and organizations are immediately in effect. they can't afford to wait for the government to come to their aid. they don't need to as everyone is pitching in.

even the animals are not forgotten

social media once again played a vital role in all of this. prayers and helpful information flooded the web. twitter and facebook were filled with real time updates, not to scare anyone but to spread the news in the hopes that they, in their own little way, are able to help pass on information.

kahit maliit, basta makatulong. 

of course there will still be the runts of the litter. the opportunists and the pessimists and the so-called haters. to them i say, sorry na lang kayo. Filipinos will not falter nor give in. make fun and hate all you want, nobody's listening anyway as everybody else is busy dealing with it the best way they can.

yan ang Pinoy and i am proud to be one.

~~~~~~~~

for those who wish to help in any way, here are a few info:

• Cash donations may be deposited to Philippine Star's Operation Damayan: MBTC Port Area Branch Account No. 151-304-161622-9. Or you may call The STAR hotline 527-7901 local 148 or direct line 301-9598 and look for Emie Cruz.
• For Bankard card holders, you may also donate by calling the Bankard hotline 888-1-888.
• A list of evacuation centers and relief operations can be found in this link

*** photos are taken from the web

mid-day ramblings at work

i'm here in the US for a project...however, the materials we need for us to proceed are still somewhere in Kenya and Uganda making their way to New Jersey.

so now i'm a lull. don't get me wrong, i don't usually mind not doing anything at work. i mean, back in manila, this NEVER HAPPENS.

however, an idle mind can make you go antok or crazy. the antok i can handle. a cup of coffee or a puff of dunhill does the trick. it's the crazies that's drives me..well, crazy. it's times like this when you reminisce and think of the past. it wouldn't be a problem if all were good memories. but that's not the case. it's the bad ones that always pop up and when they do, it becomes an explosion of pandora's box.

maybe karma got lost?

i was reading bunny's entry on karma yesterday and you guessed it, i empathized. it got me thinking about my own karma. i mean, i'm grateful to have been blessed by a wonderful and loving family and i'm fortunate to have always been surrounded by awesome friends. i have a great job that allows me to do what i want and lets me travel to places i can only dream of going.

now come the BUT.

my lovelife has been on a losing streak. while it's true that one can't have everything, it sucks that i haven't had a decent relationship in a long time. and by a long time i meant the last real relationship i had. it's been 7 friggin years. sure i've gone out and had "relationships" after that but all were either fleeting or the what-was-i-thinking-kinda-stupid.

going back to karma, what is it that i've done that karma's been messing with my heart for the last decade? and if karma is indeed a bitch, how come the ones who did me wrong had their happily ever after?

naliligo naman ako ah.

the letter

If I ever write this letter
The pages I could write
But I don't know where to send it
You have vanished
Heaven knows where you live
Heaven only knows

If I ever write this letter
Bitter words it would contain
Just an unrequited lover
Wishing she had never
Spoken your name
Had never known your name

But if I ever write this letter
The truth it would reveal
Knowing you brought me pleasure
How I'll often treasure
Moments that we knew
The precious, the few

-- Natalie Merchant

an open letter to love

dear love,

i miss you.

really, i do. it's been a long time since i've had you. don't you think it's about time you come to my life again?

i miss the cheesiness, the conversations, the joy and the complications you bring.

really. all the good and the bad that comes with having you in my life pales in comparison to not having you in it.

i have so much of you to give. more than enough to go around family and friends. i have plenty.

anyway, today is my birthday. i just thought i'd write you so you won't forget about me.
i'm not losing hope.  not just yet.

love, me :)

it's been two months

and today is the first time i thought about him.

i miss him. i still miss him.

just when i thought i was doing better. too much for baby steps huh?

happiest birthday for my bestest friend ever

this is it! of all the pivotal events in your life, this, by far is the one i will never ever forget. it took all my energy not to shriek when you told me the good news.

you are going to have your happily ever after.

more than the bling, it's the thought that you are soon to say i do that gives me the chills.
you have found the one.

as shrek is to fiona and prince charming is to cinderella, you have found the one.

“Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.” 

good things indeed come to those who wait. i am happy.

i love you. happy birthday :)

to the EX..ulit

seeing you still with her after all these years brought a smile on my face...

our break-up was not in vain.

you ended up happy and gotten your act together.

i'm proud of you. really.

mas maganda man ako sa kanya, masaya naman siya sa yo.

she had her happy ending and at the end of the day, that's what matters :)

5 days to go

so my trip to KL  got cancelled.

which means i will officially be home on the 21st.

I. CAN'T. WAIT.

5 days til...

...i see my family

...i eat my mom's adobo and sinigang

...manang takes over my laundry

5 days til i'm home.

freedom day

today marks the time i stop to care. i'm done. and i'm so glad it finally came.


funny thing is, i actually feel a sense of freedom. 


i've been cooped up in a world where a day starts and ends with all the stress of thinking about him.  
all the what ifs, could've beens and all the drama that IS him.


or i could have been in an uber long bangunot that i just had to wake up.


just like that. 


and as nightmares go, the bad things just stopped the moment i opened my eyes.


just like that. 


i am back. with a smile on my face. 


salamat universe.

chasing pavements

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But, if I tell the world I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do If I end up with you

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there

an email for myself

almost 3 years ago, when my bestfriend was having one of "those days", i sent her this email. 

now, i'm borrowing it and sending to myself. because yes, i need it. badly.

"we are works of art. we are not done yet.

we still have to undergo pains but when we're done, we will be priceless and fab.

da vinci did not finish the mona lisa in one day.

i believe we will have our time. you and i.

it would be a complete and utter disgust to the whole humankind kung hindi.
darating din yun.
darating din sya.
in the meantime,
we have beaches to conquer, wines to drink, boys to have fun with and uber fab friends who will pick us up or untog our ulo when we get lost."

minor setback and a bounce

i had the worst blues attack last week. i mean yuck! lasted for 3 days which was even more yuck.

but it's over. i've managed to shake it off. i'm sorta back to "normal".

in less than a month, i will be going back to manila. familiar place. familiar people. home.

===

in other news, my boss in manila called yesterday to tell me that another team is poaching me. she didn'nt want me to move but said that it's a step up in the corporate ladder and that she wanted me to know my options. and since she put it that way, i said yes to the move. with the promise to transition until a suitable replacement for my current post is identified.

so there, effective Aug. 1, i shall leave the umbrella of the boss i've loved for 5 yrs. it's bittersweet since she's the one who gave me a break. she's my mentor and i love her dearly. but that's life. you just gotta roll with it.

and hell imma rolling :)

the other side of the bed

i'm one of those people who find comfort in sleeping alone. at least most of the time. and why won't i? all the pillows are mine. no one snores. and there's more room to move.

but then there are nights when i long to have someone on that side of the bed.

a friend once told me, you shouldn't take both sides of the bed, otherwise no one will share it with you.

well i haven't been using that side of the bed for a FRIGGIN LONG TIME.  too long that i found a dent on my side! so now i wanna sleep on that other side because the cushion is much softer and nicer!

which made me think. if that side was meant for whoever he is, and now that i wanna take his side...will he take my old side of the bed or insist on taking what was originally his? hahaha!

i'm not making sense. so what. i'm alone in my room. on a beautiful sunday afternoon. with nothing else to do but blab! so there, that's my bitching for this week.

song in my head. thoughts in my mind.

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables



Turning Tables lyrics