alone = lonely?

i was watching a rerun of before sunset last night and this line stuck: "being alone is better than being with a lover and feeling alone" - Celine

so why put up with it?

it's just a pity how some people stay in unhappy relationships just coz they feel that being alone would kill them. or that it's better than having no one. thing is, you may have someone beside you but still that doesn't guarantee a warm and cozy bed. it could very well be just as cold, even more. isn't it better sleep in an empty bed rather than have someone beside you who isn't really there?

again, i ask. why stay?

i'm glad i didn't.

i'm better off. i'm happier. and no one will again make me feel otherwise :)

not settling for anything less

my cousin bing is getting married in 2 weeks and while the idea of a dayful of mush, tears and more mush makes me cringe, i promised myself i'd behave come "the day". i will, after all, play hostess and sing a song or two. talk about over exposure huh? i just hope i don't forget the lyrics and the string quartet won't gimme a hard time with the music.

still, behind my cynical and almost stoic view on weddings, i, of course wish them both a life filled with bliss, a roomful of happy lil bings ang andreis and a marriage based on trust and love. i've seen them grow as a couple so i'm sure married life will be a breeze. they are young, they are happy and they're in love!

"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them." -- Dream For An Insomniac

ate bing quoted that in her blog and i'm quoting it again. i once told myself this "i may turn 40 but i will never settle just because i HAVE to get married". and thanks to the 4 ladies of Sex and the City, the once view on singledom has completely changed. i have nothing against getting married but like what my cousin said, anything mediocre is a waste of time so why bother?

gone are the days when society sees single people as social curses bound to spend a life of solitude and dejection. see, now being single does not make one a disgrace or a sociopath but rather a person who is free to choose. one who does not give in to what society expects.

i'm not saying that marriage isn't for me. all i'm saying is until i find that someone, i wouldn't mind walkin this earth as a single, fab woman. life is too short to waste on the wrong person. i know my time will come.

who knows, maybe someday, ate bing's love for mush might rub off on me.

my first bday present for the year

it's not even december yet and i already got an unexpected, uberly welcome surprise bday present! it's a fold-able lilac handbag from the Le Pliage Longchamp collection . now, do i like it? i LOVE it! woohoo! life is good!

i'll be turning 31 next month and unlike last year's bash, i won't be celebrating it with a bang this time.

a lot has happened over the year. a lot of them were good, with a handful that could always be charged to experience as they say. i'd like to believe that i'm much wiser than i was at 30 with the same confidence as saying i'm more FAB now hehehe! (with a fab new bag to boot!)

happy birthday to me!

WTF?!

he came up to me and said "i'm sorry i hurt you".

i didn't recognize him at first. who the hell is this guy? it took me a few minutes to realize who he was. it's him . i couldn't reply. i didn't know how to. why now? why not when i needed him to?

he was waiting. his eyes showed a side of him i never thought existed. sensitive and honest. he never said another word after that. he just kept looking. waiting for his absolution i guess. but i couldn't give him that.

and then i woke up.

poker princess

my second attempt at playin the game and i ended up the big winner woohoo!!! yupyup i'm officially on the road to becoming an addict! the other week, i was at this bazaar at the NBC tent and i was immediately drawn to this box of poker chips! i didn't buy though, not yet anyway hehe!

and once again, i've proven "the boys" that women are better than them in more ways than one!

hahaha who's the man? i'm the man! woohoo!!!

from a much needed break

and might i add, a WELL deserved one at that.

yes people, i was a bum for two weeks and it felt wonderful!

Singapore was everything i thought it was and more - clean. organized. alive. rich in culture. from the people to the busses and trains, to food and shopping malls, to the zoos and all the other tourist spots, a trip to the city of fines is definitely a must have for all ye travel freaks.

ten things why i loved my trip:
1. the public transport
i HATE commuting but there, it was a breeze -convenient and practical. plus, you get to go from one end of the city to the other with just one train ride. and if you have to take a cab, the drivers are ALWAYS pleasant.

2. the malls
for someone who doesn't like shopping as much as most women, i did have lots of good finds. from DAISO (2dollar store) in Jurong East to the classy Takeshimaya at the Orchard, one is sure to find something that would dazzle the eyes.

3. tourist spots, animal attractions and nature trip
walking isn't my thing but i didn't mind. the view made it all worthwhile. I feasted my eyes at the Magical fountains, took the cable car and skyride at Sentosa; was awed by the dolphins and other marine life at the Underwater World; got to see and feed the birds at Jurong Bird Park; went up close and personal with the elephants and orangs at the Singapore Zoo; saw the majestic Chawang and other creatures of the night at the Night Safari; had my first encounter with a carnivorous plant at the Botanic Garden; enriched my mind at the Science Center and got to experience how it felt at -8degrees at Snow City

4. the food
hawkers galore! from bakwa to chicken rice to pork floss to ice cream wrapped in wafer and lots and lots of noodles! yum yum yum!

5. the long walks even at 1AM
yup you read it right. 1am and i never felt safer.

6. the night life
The Esplanade, Clark Quay, Chinatown and the Orchard come alive the moment the sun sets. whatever suits your mood - have dinner and cocktails by the river or indulge your palette at Glutton's Bay or feast your eyes along the streets for midnight sales or dance the night away with a glass of the famous Singapore sling at bay and you're sure to party up to the wee hours

7. the discipline; the system
and i don't mean the kind where you practice only when someone is lookin! one that is practiced by all.
8. their love for nature and clean environment
there is very minimal, if not, non-existent trash; the drainage works; the air is fresh and they even have a PSI level flashed on TV to indicate the level of pollution at any given time!

9. the language
everyone speaks English which made it easier to ask for directions - a must when you find yourself lost in the middle of the city or when tryin to get a bargain

10. lastly, the people
from the guards to the sales assistants to the drivers to the cashiers to the gatekeepers, everyone was so nice. they won't think twice when you need to help. one even walked 5 blocks with us at 1 am just to make sure that we got home safe.

all in all, i give my Singapore adventure a 9 and i wouldn't mind goin' back :)

an itch i couldn't scratch

and it's drivin me nuts!

yup! last year, april was the one who had it! hers got scratched and now she's at peace. good for her. gone are the what ifs and her could've beens.

now it's my turn. damn it!

what is it with things (and people) that you almost but can't quite have that makes you WANT them MORE????? and the stupid thing is, you're not even sure IF you would like what you get in the end. it could just be a fluke, an itch that once it gets scratched, it goes away. leaving no trail that it ever existed.

but what if it isn't? what if it's the start or a sign of something good. a promise of greater things. a month, year or a life together. then you lose sleep thinkin about it.

NOT GOOD! NEVER GOOD!

arrrrggghhh! kill me now! please?

of letting go and moving on

you don't see nor talk to him
you don't miss nor think about him
you don't hate him, you just don't care what's up with him

all these said, you ask yourself...have you finally moved on?
sadly, it doesn't always follow. while you know that you don't have a strand of feelings left for him, you still can't claim that you have.

letting go is easy. it simply means that you have accepted the fact that he isn't a part of your life anymore. that there is no "US" but rather two "I's". it means that you no longer utter a secret prayer of getting back together. no you don't think of revenge. you're no longer hurt nor have the urge to strangle him or make his life miserable. you just don't care.

moving on is different. it's getting on with your life. it's being the same person as you were before you met him. it is the readiness to accept and meet someone new. it is the willingness to take yet another risk. it is taking that oh-so scary plunge once again. it is relearning how to trust...believing in other people's goodness. it's like learning how to walk again.

unless you have done these, you have yet to move on.

you simply said goodbye

Miranda?! Moi????

Well well well who would've thought?!

I am Miranda after all! Hahaha! My cynicism on men and relationships is catching up on me! Hmnnnn I wonder who could that person in the past be?

You Are Most Like Miranda!

While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first Guys are a distant third to your friends and career. And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses. Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen. Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect... But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

consistently inconsistent

for the last couple of months, the lack of action in my lovelife has been very well compensated by the overly complicated roller coaster rides that my friends from left and right have had.

from affairs to cancelled weddings to fallouts to holding on and letting go...
from silly lil fights to almost but not quite breakups...
from straight to gay couples

name it and chances are, one of my friends is in it!

oh and must i mention that most of the time, i was (still is) in the middle of it? you know, bein the friend who listens and scolds....the one who tries to knock some sense into their already clowded yet somehow interesting dilemmas...which, at most normal circumstances, usually works!

but no! not lately! lately, most of them are ridiculously stubborn!

i am actually surprised myself. i mean, these people are really smart and driven but when it came to affairs of the heart, they have been consistently inconsistent! hormones are flyin everywhere and not just estrogens!

so now, i'l change my strategy. instead of bein the bitch friend who doesn't sugar coat and says things as they are, instead of saying countless pieces of advice and telling them what i think, i'd keep quiet and just listen. they're not hearing me anyways.

and since i know they're smart enough to figure things out for themselves, i'll just lay back, have a glass of wine and chill and wait for the time for them to come around.

as we grow up

"...we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back".

true...but it just doesn't get any easier each time.

rendezvous (part 1)

it was a gloomy afternoon but the damp weather didn't dampen my spirits.i was, after all, about to see an old old friend.

well, he wasn't just a friend to be honest. i guess i've always thought of him as the one that got away...you know? my biggest what if. that afternoon though, i felt that things were about to change and i couldn't wait.

i was humming a tune while i donned my prettiest dress and my fave flipflops. a check on my watch told me a few minutes to go and he'll be here. beep beep went the sound of his car.

my heart skipped a beat. it was time.

last night when he told me he was going to see me, he didn't really say what it was about. he just said that he's been meaning to talk to me about something really important and he was sorry it took him a while to finally do.

sheesh talk about a cliffhanger huh? nonetheless, no one could wipe the smile on my face since.

beep beep off came the sound of his car again.

a quick look in the mirror and then i was out.

as i entered his car, i couldn't help but notice that he hasn't changed after all these years. he still has that same grin. the same look. only just a tad bit older.

"hi gem", he said as he leaned to give me a peck on the cheeks.
"hi yourself! whatever happened to you?i was beginning to think you've ran off to timbuktu or something!"
"i've been busy," he said.

"so, where are you taking me anyway?" i asked as we drove away.
"you'll see" and then he smiled.

after a couple of hours we arrived at this beautiful beach house.

i couldn't help but gasp.
it was almost sunset and the tides are low.
the view was breathtaking.

we walked on the shore and started to talk just like the old times. family, work, friends, us....the promise of getting married when we both reach a certain age and neither is committed. it was as if we were never apart.

there is just something about him that makes me feel a certain way when i'm with him.

he gets me...he knows me...and i've never had that with anyone else...

"so tell me, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?" i asked as we headed towards the beach house.

he didn't answer. instead, he held my hand.

~~~~~ to be concluded ~~~~~

i have evolved

i used to trust people easily
naive and unsuspecting, i was THE perfect prey

that was then...
i am a different person now.
i have changed.

i no longer am an easy prey.

i have evolved. believing in someone's goodness becomes a task,
trusting doesn't come easy.

he took that part of me with him.

i was shattered when I fell
i stood and picked up the pieces

but i am no longer whole.

i'm not sure if I want it back.
i don't know if being whole again is what i need.

I have become this one piece.
One that is of the same substance but of stronger material.
Delicate but no longer fragile.

i have evolved.

let me fall

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

- bethany joy lenz

can i just say that...

1. it is sooooo feakin hot and i can't wait to get out of town and get drunk by the poolside woohooo!!!

2. i haven't been getting much sleep for the past couple of days because i'm tryin to finish the da vinci code. yes folks, i have yet to finish reading the ever so popular dan brown novel but i'm gettin there...a few more pages and probably another sleepless night or two hehehehe!

3. I love bethany joy lenz' songs! as i was lookin for the soundtrack of One Tree Hill, I came across Elsewhere and i can't believe i'm gonna say this but her version was better than that of Sarah McLachlan! can't wait for her album to come out! (http://www.bethanyjoylenz.com)

4. i have to visit my ever reliable nail salon as my hands and feet badly need attention! eeewww!

5. my first attempt at making pesto was a disaster! hahahha!

6. my new goal for the year : prepare the perfect pesto sauce!

7. thanks to gerson's wife, maya, i found the perfect moisturizer!

8. my dear friend ayi is doin' pretty well and i cannot be happier

9. my sister is officially home. yup! after a few weeks of tryin to make it on her own, she has finally called it quits. could be coz she misses moi? hehehe! in any case, i'm so glad she's back!

10. I AM HAPPY AND CONTENT...my family is healthy, i have a good job, really loyal and wonderful friends and a fabulous hair! ;)

life's blows

a couple of weeks ago, i found out that one of my dearest friends is sick real bad...he was diagnosed to have the early stages of leukemia (Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia)

the news was a total blow...i waited for the punch line but it never came. i couldn't react when

he told me...questions flooded my mind...one kept nagging at the back of my head....

why him?

why not the scums of the earth, the good for nothing lame excuses for human beings? why not the low lives and the selfish pricks? why not the ungrateful sons and irresponsible brothers?

why him?

i was to find out eventually....

after several visits with him, i know now why.

it's because...

his family and friends love him dearly
his faith is strong and untarnished
his spirit, positive and vibrant
he is strongwilled and driven

he has no room for hate, he doesn't question why

all these said, i know now why him...because no one i know can win this battle other than him....while others would weep, he will smile...while others would quit, he will move on and fight....while others would feel sorry for themselves, he will continue to see the silver lining....

i love him dearly and he knows that.

this isn't the end....this is just a bump, a hurdle in his life....one which i know he'll overcome....

~~~~~~~
http://www.marrow.org/PATIENT/cml.html http://users.rcn.com/jkimball.ma.ultranet/BiologyPages/C/CML.html

my roller coaster ride

you know that feeling before riding a roller coaster? your tummy starts to hurt with anticipation, be it coz of nerves or excitement. either way, you are so anxious for the ride to start. you fall in line and wait. while some people get lucky and go first, some would have to wait some more for their turn and once you get your turn, you brace yourself for the ride ahead.

you sit tight, fasten your seatbelt and pray that it will hold. the ride starts, slowly at first, makin you relax. it makes it's first turn. nah it wasn't so scary at all, in fact you get more comfortable that you can't wait for the next one to come as you know for sure it's gonna be better than the first.

the next turn comes, only this time it was faster and steeper. you grab on to the bar and screamed. but you're ok. while it was more intense than the first, you find yourself actually liking it. by this time, you know you're ready for the next.

but before you can brace yourself, the next one came faster than you anticipated. before you can even scream, the next one came again and this time, it flipped you over and it went faster and faster. you close your eyes and pray for it to be over.

then it slowed down just a bit. you heave a sigh of relief thinking it was over. you open your eyes. but before you can grab on to the bar again, it started to move...slowly at first then the drop came. you think you screamed but you didn't and before you can even know it, the ride has stopped. it was over.

you remove your seatbelt. you get off. your knees may be wobbly at first but you shake them a bit and then you're fine. off to the next ride you go. you know you had fun and might go fall in line again sometime. but you give yourself time to recover. maybe go for the ferris wheel or the carousel to calm your nerves and when you're ready and if you still want to, you go back and take it again.

it has been a series of highs and lows for me these past few months. i've gone from happy to angry to sad to bitter. i've laughed, cried, whined, cussed, cried some more, smiled again.

this ride is over for me. i've gone off. my knees are fine.

it is true what they say....what does not kill you would make you stronger

i believe i am.

the wheels have turned

...and i couldn't be happier...

while i know it's not nice to be glad over other people's mishaps and miseries, i couldn't help but carry a smile and whistle a tune with this one.

it is time. it has begun.

and the best part is, i did not make them happen.

you're goin down

and you're not taking me with you....

you can't scare me anymore...you may have hurt me more than you ever could imagine but you have no power over me now...

one honest voice is louder than a crowd...

i have nothing to hide and if there's one thing i'm guilty of, it's that of falling for all your shameless, pathetic craps.

i'm ready. i will fight. i'm not scared.

what goes around comes around

i never thought i could hate a person this much...i never tought i am capable of hate....

but then again i never thought someone like him exists and would come into my life, leaving me battered and bruised.

it hurts more now. not because he cheated on me or that i still love him.

the pain is greater now because he is still capable of inflicting pain even when i've already let him go.

it hurts more because now i'm no longer blinded by love so i'm able to see what kind of a person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

it hurts more because now i know he never was and will never be sorry.

most of my friends said karma lang ang katapat nyan and i'm better off.

yes, i know i'm better off and i'm glad to be free of him. but it doesn't make it any less painful to accept.

i can't help but question my own life....how i've lived...

if life is all about karma, what did i ever do to deserve all these?
if what goes around comes around, how come i feel like i'm on the losing end?

too bad you messed with the wrong girl tsk tsk!

so you wanna go to war huh?

bring it on! i ain't afraid and i got nothin to lose. just don't go hiding behind your new prey and be the sissy that you've always been. fight your own fights and face me. and while you're at it, try lookin for your balls..they're probably somewhere underneath the mess you've created...unless one of your girls decided to cut them off for good!

i seldom get mad, you know that...but there's such a thing as too much! and with you, too much is an understatement.

so yes, if you want war, then i'm all for it! just be sure you're damn ready!

the friends i keep

if there is one thing i'm blessed with besides a loving family, it's the number of wonderful real friends i have managed to keep...the ones i grew up with...spent high school and college with...worked with...partied with...had fights with...went shopping with...travelled with....got totally drunk and crazy with...laughed and cried with...

bottomline, these people have kept me grounded when i needed to be.... when the rest of the world seem to turn it's back on me, i have them to back me up if i need a quick reality check, they're the ones that heed the call...

they love me for who and what i am and i love every one of them just as much....

and yes, break-ups and heartaches won't be half as bad when your ally is the same as mine

my fab new do

finally after months of searching for my stylist, i found him! and boy was the timing ever so perrrrrrrfect!

i've been wanting to get a haircut for months but i didn't want anybody else so i waited...and waited and waited some more...and now that he's back, i knew why i did! he's the only one who understands what i want and his hands work magic. even my bitch sis april agrees! hehe!

so now, after months of bad hair episodes, my hair is fabulous!

breakups and the price that came with them

break-ups...bad for the heart...good for the economy! - carrie bradshaw

and indeed they are! but heck who's complaining?

if shopping for shoes and clothes, frequent trips to the spa or salon for a massage or a haircut and color, hours and hours spent at the gym, etc. could make a woman feel better and good about herself then it's all worth it.

i'd like to think that most women these days are no longer confined to the usual post break-up hitches such as moping and sulking and whining and then more moping sulking and whining. i mean, what good would that do besides waking up each morning with even darker circles under your eyes?

instead, women of today tend to channel huge blows in their lives towards self-reinvention...and if it means spending more money then so be it! we owe ourselves that much...we've worked hard...paid our dues...fell in love...became deliriously happy...laughed...cried...got hurt...cried some more but in the end, life sill goes on.

what's important is you don't get stuck in the rut. you pick yourself up and be that person you wanna be and eventually you'll wake up one day and just smile. i know i will.

that's about it for now...i'm off to do my post break-up binges...don't worry i won't spend that much ;)

goodbye may be harsh....

.....but it's the only word that is kind to me now...

with love comes hate...with joy comes pain...with laughter there's tears...

it was a good run but i had to quit before the finish line. my feet could've handled it but my heart can't. i had to stop because i know my heart, resilient as it is, won't make it.

i did try. believe me i did. i just wasn't cut out for it. but i gave it my all. i have no regrets, i owe that to myself.

i played well and i played fair.

it hurts yes, but i'll be fine. and before you know it, i'll be back on the tracks again...

and who knows? maybe i get to finish the next one.