my greatest fear in life

last week, my bestfriend's lola died.
today, one friend lost her baby and another lost his dad.

if there is one thing i know i suck at, it is the way i deal with moments such as these. what do i say? what do i do? how does one deal with it really?

i know no amount of words or cards or flowers or hugs can ease their pain. so what does that leave me? what can a friend do? what can i do?

NOTHING

frustrating isn't it? on the one time you need to do something for someone you care for, you stand/sit still and do nothing because the truth is, there is really nothing one can do.

some say it's enough for you to be there. i say it's not.

my greatest fear in life is not to be unhappy. it's not to be unsuccessful nor poor nor rejected. it is not to be judged nor to be ignored nor to stay single.

my greatest fear in life is death. not my own, but of a loved one.

and everytime someone dear to me loses someone dear to them, my heart breaks into pieces.

not as excited anymore

tomorrow is supposed to be a day free of stress, worries, drama and anything negative.

we've done our shopping, prepared the food, bought new slippers and swimsuit, had the car checked, and every possible preparation there is for a weekend of fun in the beach.

sadly, due to circumstances beyond our control, the excitement over this much awaited weekend was extremely dampened.

but...
we are still going to the beach.
we are still going to chill.
we may still get drunk.

this much i know, it won't be as much fun.

'Nuff with the drama. On with the fun!

the past couple of weeks have been quite stressful.

overtime work up to the wee hours of the morning, not to mention on weekends; bad terrible case of insomnia; add to that the emotional drama in my personal life.

to top it all off, i've been barking like a dog the last couple of days with the added bonus of the extreme heat in the metro!

sheesh! i NEED A BREAK!!!! and KitKat ain't gonna do it for me :)

an out of town trip is in order!!!

so, this weekend, i'm off to the beach with my posses!

gotta soak
    gotta chill
        gotta get drunk

and I can't wait!

Pearl the Landlord

i gotta say, this clip of will farrel with a lil kid posing as the landlord sure made my day!

A Sad Day

one of the most important person in my life failed me.

i'm not mad, i can't get mad. that's how much i love and respect him

what do you do when the one person you've looked up to most of your life disappoints you for the first time?

what do you do when your pillar of strength and truth and everything that is right does something to hurt not just you but the ones dearest to you?

this is all new to me

i'm lost.

and no amount of bling or wine or vodka can make me feel otherwise.

American Idol : 6 - Finally!!!!

Sanjaya's stint ended today! And i couldn't be any happier!

I know a lot of the so-called Fanjayas in the world are sad but i'm sure they weren't surprised. It's been long overdue. The hair and the antics just weren't enough this week.

However, that being said, i'm still not wowed by this year's batch. It's just not the same. While it's true that there is more variety in this year's competition, past idol contestants were better than most of the finalists today.

I still have high hopes for Jordin and Blake though.
As for Melinda, i was grinning from ear to ear when Simon made that comment about her acting surprised each time a complement is given. Sheesh! I mean, how many praises does she need to actually believe that yes, she can sing and she sings well?!

Yes, I'm weak!

Diamonds are forever,
Sparkling round my little finger.
Unlike men, the diamonds linger;
Men are mere mortals who
Are not worth going to your grave for

So, my jeweler came in today. Despite my desperate cry, she opened her bag of goodies! Lo and behold, my eyes twinkled at the site of her new collection.

Before i knew it, she was taking them out of her lil box and slowly putting them on my ears! With a mirror in one hand, she told me how beautiful they looked on me. Heck! They did look good on me! And the matching ring was to die for!

What can i do? I'm a girl! I'm weak!

And i have a new set of diamonds!

Woohoo!!

Diamonds are forever, forever, forever.
Forever and ever

_____________________________________
Lyrics taken from Shirley Bassey's Diamonds are Forever

The Greatest Victory of All

When you hate someone, you give them power over you.

Life is too short to spend it hating somebody. Plot your revenge then put it in the back burner until an opportunity presents itself to annihilate the enemy.

Then enjoy your life on your own terms.

By the time your paths cross again, the people you hate will realize how pathetic their lives are compared to your magnificent one.

And all you'll feel is pity. And compassion.
They'll hate you for it and this gives you power over them.

The wheel turns.

But you no longer need that power. For you will be your own woman. On your own terms.

This is the greatest victory of all.

How can I

...forgive when there is no remorse?

...keep the ghost of my sordid past from the constant torture and taunting?

...end a chapter in my life without the proper closure?

...forget the hurt?

...trust and believe again when all my paradigms have shifted from what used to be true?

...start anew when the past is still holding me back?

i have tried. most days i succeed.
some days, i fail.

and even if the failures are so few, how come i feel they count more?

Green With Envy

I know! i know! it's never a sign of good character to be envious of anything or anyone! But what can i do???

For lack of anything to do, i figured since i got time in my hands, (what with the 5-day vacation) i'd go check on what's been happening to my peers. So there, I went online and checked on my friendster account. With the schedule i have, it's difficult to keep updated with the latest on my friends and the next best thing is to browse on their pages to touchbase with them.

Click. Click. Click.

Some had new babies, the others got married, travelled the world, moved to a different country, has come out of the closet, broken up, got back together, etc.

Click. Click. Click.

Then came the page of an old old friend. We haven't really talked in a long while and haven't seen each other in ages. Last year, she told me she was getting married. I wished her well. I saw the pictures and a short video. It was beautiful.

They got married at Waling-Waling Beach in Boracay. It was simple and intimate. Pictures/videos do speak a thousand words and my, they said a lot.

Normally, i don't get all weepy and emotional on weddings but something about the way they looked got to me. They were happy and the people around them felt the same. I never got to meet her husband but i knew their story.

More than the gown, the ring, the venue, i got envious of how in love they were. And that my childhood bestfriend has finally found her prince. A long way from pony tails and teen magazines, she has grown and lived what most girls only dream about.

I am happy for her. Envious, yes, as i have yet to find what she has found.

I know my time will come.