i will be 30 soon

a few days from now, i shall bid farewell to my twenties. yes my friends, next week, i will no longer belong to the 20-something group. i will be part of the 30 and above box. (something to get used to when filling out application forms!)

dreadful? hmn...to be honest? i'm not quite sure. maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. in denial? gosh i hope not! i'm leaning more towards excited. now that's a surprise huh? i guess i've watched too much Sex and the City that their fabulous look at thirty something gals kinda rubbed on me.

i usually get emotional as my birthday draws near. this year, i intend to do otherwise. this year isn't about me. it won't be about me.

my dad and i share the same birthday. since i was born, i know he never got to celebrate his anymore. it has become more of my thing, him being older and all. this year however, i won't let that happen. this year is gonne be for him.

i would tell you more about him on my next entry. for now, suffice it is for me to say that he has the most beautiful soul i know. the most caring hands. the warmest smile. the father whom i won't ever trade for anything in the world.

the power of an EX

picture this. you broke up with him. he moved on. you moved on. you're finally happy with the one you're with and just when you thought things couldn't get any better, you found out he's deliriously happy and will soon get married. you know you don't have feelings for him anymore and yet you can't bring yourself to say "hey i'm happy for you"

then you start going over what happened with you guys. how you were when you were still together. recalling the things you do or didn't do, say or didn't say. you begin to compare how he is with his new girl. then you find out everything was totally different. he did things for her that he didn't do for you. went places with her which you guys planned on going. to top it all, he treated her like a normal human being.

you then begin to compare yourself with her. questions arise. is she prettier? sexier? smarter? funnier? taller? does she have bigger boobs? was her feet nicer than yours? did she go to a better school? does she have to die for hair that can earn a commercial? were you not good enough? is she a better person than you?

tsk tsk! not a pretty good sight i know but i'm sure lots of so called EX's tend to react in the same way. i for one am guilty. oh and you could never imagine what went on in this crazy head of mine ;)

true, i'm happy and life couldn't get any better. i found someone who appreciates and loves me the way my EX never did.

now why this recent event on my EX's life bothers me is still a puzzle. and no matter how hard i try to be happy for them, i just can't.

maybe i'm just being bitter. NOT! I'm just being normal i guess. forgive me if i have yet to develop the virtue of nobility in this aspect. all i could think of was how shitty and crappy he was with me and that he doesn't merit an ounce of happiness.

for a time i did ask the same questions. is she a better person than i am for her to deserve what i only hoped for in the past?

and then it hit me. i wouldn't be this happy had i not broken up with him. maybe I am the better person for now I have someone i deserve.

and yes, maybe someday, i will find it in my heart to be happy for him.

for now i just can't. no apologies nor disclaimers. i simply can't.