mid-day ramblings at work

i'm here in the US for a project...however, the materials we need for us to proceed are still somewhere in Kenya and Uganda making their way to New Jersey.

so now i'm a lull. don't get me wrong, i don't usually mind not doing anything at work. i mean, back in manila, this NEVER HAPPENS.

however, an idle mind can make you go antok or crazy. the antok i can handle. a cup of coffee or a puff of dunhill does the trick. it's the crazies that's drives me..well, crazy. it's times like this when you reminisce and think of the past. it wouldn't be a problem if all were good memories. but that's not the case. it's the bad ones that always pop up and when they do, it becomes an explosion of pandora's box.

maybe karma got lost?

i was reading bunny's entry on karma yesterday and you guessed it, i empathized. it got me thinking about my own karma. i mean, i'm grateful to have been blessed by a wonderful and loving family and i'm fortunate to have always been surrounded by awesome friends. i have a great job that allows me to do what i want and lets me travel to places i can only dream of going.

now come the BUT.

my lovelife has been on a losing streak. while it's true that one can't have everything, it sucks that i haven't had a decent relationship in a long time. and by a long time i meant the last real relationship i had. it's been 7 friggin years. sure i've gone out and had "relationships" after that but all were either fleeting or the what-was-i-thinking-kinda-stupid.

going back to karma, what is it that i've done that karma's been messing with my heart for the last decade? and if karma is indeed a bitch, how come the ones who did me wrong had their happily ever after?

naliligo naman ako ah.

Love and Other Disasters

a surprisingly nice film. it's a story about love and all the crazy happy ridiculous things that come along with it.

the movie revolved around Jacks (played by Brittany Murphy) and her crazy friends both gay and straight.

here are some lines which i thought are worth quoting:

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: "I'm not so sure. Love isn't always a lightning bolt, you know? Maybe sometimes it's just a choice."

"I don't know that Paolo's the love of my life, but I've decided to give him the chance to be. Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Without worrying wether they'll give anything back. Or if they're gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose."

o0o o0o o0o

Therapist: "The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting.

Stage one is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy, "Ooh, did you fart," followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy.

A period I like to call the "Fart Honeymoon", where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world.

But, of course, no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass thereby signifying true love, or else it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formerly beloved."

coincidence?

hearing this could not have come at a better time. seriously.

"dating is a numbers game. you get out there as much as you can and then see what works. the point is most of the time you will not find the right fit and sometimes it's the last person you think that makes you happy."

love and time

this is a bit long but do read til the end for a major awwww factor.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"

Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"

"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."

"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way.

Realizing how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who Helped me?"

"It was Time," Knowledge answered.

"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

-- Author Unknown

a break-up is a break-up is a break-up

the American Heritage Dictionary defines it as

"The discontinuance of a relationship, as a marriage or a friendship."

discontinuance, the end. it did not say for now or for the meantime nor was there a timeframe.

a break-up is a break-up. it isn't a cool off nor a time out.

that being said, i don't understand why some people still feel to have claim over an ex. of course it is natural to feel bad, maybe cry a little, when an ex finds someone new, especially when that ex is someone whom you built white picket fence dreams with.

i was never a fan of cool offs and timeouts as i know these become vicious cycles. for me, it's either we make it work or we say goodbye. and when it's goodbye, it meant no turning back. and what i do or he does after, no longer hold any bearing because we are done.

now, having no such bearing doesn't mean that i have to be happy for an ex right away. i am human after all and am entitled to bitch about it for as long as i want. it doesn't mean, however, that i am to sulk and be miserable when he does find happiness. good for him. good luck to her.

one thing i learned is never to feel sorry for myself. i am all i've got and self-pity will not take me anywhere.

so to you my dearest dearest friend. i will not sugar coat, i don't do that. it may sting like shit now but it'll pass. you are a beautiful person inside and out and he can never take that away from you. you are not alone nor will you ever be alone. he's just one man. there's plenty of them out there. you will find yours as he has found his.

all that a GIRL ever needs

got this from a friend.

"All that a GIRL ever needs is ONE GUY
Who would be man enough to prove that guys aren’t all the same

He may not be PERFECT
May not be the man of steel
He just has to be HONEST
And he needs to be REAL."

so true. so. very. true.

deng it! i shouldn't have watched The Notebook. now i'm all mushy and i hate it! crap!

3rd party thingies, another bitching

like most people, indescretions and all forms of infidelity will never be good in my book. i've said it before, i don't like it when people who have chosen to be in situations like such, play pitiful victims left with no choice.

that being said, i hate it even more when the same people become all so defensive, acting as if they've done nothing, getting mad at the slightest hint of provocation.

PEOPLE WILL TALK and people will keep talking. it's just how it is. if you can't handle the heat, boohoo. you created your own crap, deal with it.

i will never condone such stupid selfish choices, especially not among friends.

if i am being judgemental, then so be it. this is me making my stand. i've bitten my tongue long enough.

shit happens, most times due to circumstances beyond our control. nevertheless, some shits happen because of crappy choices which could've been nipped in the bud.

you've made your choice. time for you to face the consequences.

wedding hoohahs

i've said it a million times. weddings are not in my list of favorite things. i mean, i'm all for the happily ever after and vows and mush that comes with it but i hate it when the hosts force all the single ladies to gather in front and see who gets to catch the bouquet as if catching it would determine one's own happily ever.

what's even worse is when the host calls out your name and tells you not to be a party pooper and just suck it up. as if saying, sweetie, this may be your last chance at it. duh? seriously, how many of you single ladies out there find it embarassing and stupid? i'm sure a lot have done what i usually do - head for the nearest exit, light a smoke or two or just pretend to be in a deep conversation and not hear your name bein called?

i especially hate it when relatives (and by this i mean those whom i only see at weddings or funerals) ask me when's it gonna be my turn and that my clock has ticked and the ship has sailed. why do they even do that? it's not like they know me or they care. they just ask the most ridiculous questions which usually end up in awkward silences paired with an answer which more often than not isn't exactly what they were hoping i would give them. but do they stop? hell no! they would ask me that every freakin chance they get. or until i finally say, "yeah, i'm married now get lost"

like i said, i'm all for the happily ever after. and i know someday, i'm gonna have mine. i just don't like it when people see me as one who would never do. like i'm some pitiful spinster doomed to be alone forever instead of someone who is just taking her sweet time waiting for that one perfect fit. because that's who i am. that's what i am.

3rd party is never a good party

warning: entry might be offensive to some. but i don't care. my blog. my thoughts.

i believe in choices and all the consequences that may come with it. and i hate it when women who made the choice to be with married men, weep and act like pitiful victims. sorry but i will never empathize.

men go astray we all know that. but women let them. so who's to blame?

one reason why i dread the idea of marriage is not because i don't trust men...it's women i don't trust. sue me!

2007 in a glance

as i welcome every new year, it think it's best to look back and reflect on the year that was. here are the highlights of 2007:

january

my family spent the new year in baguio. it is one of those holidays that i shall forever remember.

bought a house in Bulacan

march

bottomless margaritas @ TGI Friday's

my sister and i got back together after months of falling out

april

my personal life took a major blow

dear friend samantha got married in boracay

two of my closest friends lost their loved ones

may

beach! beach! beach!

voted hoolah hot momma at the company outing

june

found out the ex had a new baby

consecutive weekends in Tagaytay first with chinabank friends then with my family to celebrate father's day

less than a month upon diagnosis, cousin kuya pochie passed away due to liver cancer

july

had a minor episode on being single and got all weepy about it

august

got promoted

september

watched cinderella

sucky turnover month

pau's car came

october

had a minor disagreement with a friend from work

dear friend pam got her visa

much to my utter surprise, my sister told me she was getting married and being the overprotective sister that i am, i was of course apprehensive

november

met my sister's bf, marlon who turned out to be a fine man and my family approved.

Sabangan Beach with chinabank friends...last out of town trip before pam leaves for the US.

the itch that couldn't be scratched struck again. fuck it!

had one of them pre-birthday episodes

the Manila Peninsula Mutiny

december

wasn't too excited when i turned 32

pau got married

missy the newest bitch in the house made a debut

mama lily (papa's sister) passed away at the age of 86

on christmas eve, pau told us she's pregnant and everybody was ecstatic! i remember my dad did one of his silly dances and i got teary hehe.

finally found the perfect template for this blog.

here's to better things to come in 2008

related post:
recap of 2006

the thing about GOOD relationships

is that there is no need to apologize. a simple nod or a hug will suffice and everything will be back to normal.

fights/misunderstandings, no matter how trivial or grave, as in any relationship, is normal. they spice up romance, jolt one to reality or simply stress a shortcoming.

some survive while others do not transcend.

mistakes do happen. and like everything else, how to deal with them is a matter of choice. some choose to forgive albeit not forgetting the lesson learned. some choose to forget and pretend that nothing happened. while others choose to let each mistake pile on top of the other, refusing to rise above it and allowing their relationships to dwindle and fall apart.

your life, your choice.

i choose to be the one that forgives. i have forgiven, i have moved on. and while it's true that the same mistakes are to made again, it doesn't matter.

my life. my choice.

blinded by love's sweet woes

love is blind goes one saying. another says something about it not being blind but that it just refuses to see. however which way one may see it, i don't get it. never had and never will. and i say that with utmost certainty.

it then comes naturally that i would say a thing or two whenever a friend falls into this shithole of a place. you know, that kind when you're so in love that even if everybody is asking what the heck are you doin, stop before it's too late, etc., you simply refuse to listen without batting an eyelash?

i mean, what's up with that??? i hate it when i see smart women turn into decripit individuals who always end up justifying whatever wrong their partners did. and not only that, they keep coming back for more.

the battered wife syndrome could very well be applied to such since abuse is not limited to that of the physical. anything that violates one's right as a human being no matter how trivial or small should never be tolerated.

it frustrates me when a friend is caught in this web. and no matter what us friends say or do, they still won't add up. coz in the end, it is their life. it is their choice. all we could do is pray and wait that they realize it before it gets too late.

if marriages are made in heaven

"Papa Jesus, pa-expedite naman po yung sa kanya" (arms pointing at me)

i almost fell off 5 flights of stairs laughing as soon as mye blurted those words.

but then, come to think of it, if marriages are indeed made in heaven, what's taking so long for mine to be made? are there still papers needed to be signed? release clearances to be accomplished? heck, did i even place an order or fill out a form?

not that i'm in any hurry or anything. it's just nice to know that somethin's brewing for me. and when it's finally complete, i'd have the perfect fit.

still, it won't hurt to say, "Papa Jesus, pa-expedite naman po yung sa akin".

on obsessive, self-deprecating EXs

i'm on the 3rd season of the L Word and i just can't get over the first few episodes. well actually, i can't get over the idea that my used-to-be (emphasis on the USED TO BE) favorite character, Alice, played by Leisha Hailey, a once perky and happy, self-made writer/DJ in seasons 1 and 2, turned into an obsessive, doesn't-have-a-clue-that-her-ex-is-over-her, pathetic, self-destructive girl.

sure, she fell in love and her heart got broken. true, that it was her best friend turned lover who did that to her. but it's been half a year. get over it already! i'd like to think her character is smarter than that.

even the best fall down sometimes as a song goes. in matters of the heart, even the smartest of the smarts turn into self-deprecating individuals. sadly, that doesn't just happen on TV.

we go through that at least once in our lives i guess. blaming ourselves when things don't turn out the way we wanted them to be. i did too when i was young. i asked questions such as was i not good enough? was i not pretty enough? are my boobs not big enough? to name a few. silly, i know. but that time, i didn't think so.

of course now, lookin back, i wanna kick my self right in the ass! i mean, i should've known myself well enough to think otherwise.

as a wise man once told me, "it isn't always about you, you know?" and it's true. it doesn't have to be ALWAYS about ME.

and so, i learned when to give my head a good shake and tell myself "stop this foolishness you bitch!".

Life is too short. Live it.

The Greatest Victory of All

When you hate someone, you give them power over you.

Life is too short to spend it hating somebody. Plot your revenge then put it in the back burner until an opportunity presents itself to annihilate the enemy.

Then enjoy your life on your own terms.

By the time your paths cross again, the people you hate will realize how pathetic their lives are compared to your magnificent one.

And all you'll feel is pity. And compassion.
They'll hate you for it and this gives you power over them.

The wheel turns.

But you no longer need that power. For you will be your own woman. On your own terms.

This is the greatest victory of all.

Green With Envy

I know! i know! it's never a sign of good character to be envious of anything or anyone! But what can i do???

For lack of anything to do, i figured since i got time in my hands, (what with the 5-day vacation) i'd go check on what's been happening to my peers. So there, I went online and checked on my friendster account. With the schedule i have, it's difficult to keep updated with the latest on my friends and the next best thing is to browse on their pages to touchbase with them.

Click. Click. Click.

Some had new babies, the others got married, travelled the world, moved to a different country, has come out of the closet, broken up, got back together, etc.

Click. Click. Click.

Then came the page of an old old friend. We haven't really talked in a long while and haven't seen each other in ages. Last year, she told me she was getting married. I wished her well. I saw the pictures and a short video. It was beautiful.

They got married at Waling-Waling Beach in Boracay. It was simple and intimate. Pictures/videos do speak a thousand words and my, they said a lot.

Normally, i don't get all weepy and emotional on weddings but something about the way they looked got to me. They were happy and the people around them felt the same. I never got to meet her husband but i knew their story.

More than the gown, the ring, the venue, i got envious of how in love they were. And that my childhood bestfriend has finally found her prince. A long way from pony tails and teen magazines, she has grown and lived what most girls only dream about.

I am happy for her. Envious, yes, as i have yet to find what she has found.

I know my time will come.

Lesson Learned #2

Anything that is too much is not good and OVERthinking is NOT an exception.
For those who know me, i'm sure it's common knowledge that i tend to think too much. I've always lived by the rule of being not just 1 but 2 steps forward all the time. Firmly believing that no matter how careful one can be, there is always that probability that something bad will come out eventually.
In all my previous relationships, i have been guilty of this. I THINK TOO MUCH! And, while it has saved me a lot of tears and mishaps, there have been some instances where it backfired. Opportunities were lost and the list of my what if's and could've beens started to pile up.
Last night, i did it again! I've been talking to an old friend the past couple of days now and while i'm happy with the fact that after three years, we have once again reconnected, a part of me is a bit wary of seeing him. Being the way i am, i've created a whole bunch of nuisances to think about. Instead of lookin forward to it, I started to stress over stuff like, what if we feel the same way/what if we don't? or what if i feel the same and he doesn't and vice versa? Bottomline, i dreaded seeing him again!
And then I realized, what the hell am i doing pre-empting things and losing sleep over something that may or may not happen? I will have to do things differently this time. We lost each other before because we both thought too much when in fact it was so simple.
So now, imma take my sweet time and see where this goes. Nuff with the drama! I'm goin out with him this weekend and let's see what happens. Be it friendship or beyond, who knows? Either way, i'm just as glad to have him back.
Besides, as Jack Burton aptly put it, "You were not put upon this earth to get it!"

Lesson Learned #1

"If you love someone, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise, the moment just passes you by. "

- My Bestfriend's Wedding

I made the same mistake a couple of years back when i failed to acknowledge what i felt for this guy. His name is Gen - smart, funny and everything else i wanted for in a man. We had that kind of a connection which can never be replaced. One that happens only once in a person's life.

The catch, he had a gf. I waited for him to choose me over her but the time never came so i decided to let him go.

Last week, he called and for the first time, we got to talk about what really happened. What we both discovered came as a surprise, a big one. Turns out, while i was waiting for him to choose me over her, he was waiting for me to make him choose as he was ready to be with me. He thought I didn't feel the same so he kept quiet for fear of losing what we had. When i finally called it quits, all his fears were validated. That to me, it meant nothing. And so, he quietly bowed down.

If only someone said something.

He's back in my life now. For what reason, i have yet to discover

I did miss him. More than anything, i miss the friendship.

"It's time to make new memories," he said. But he still has a gf and the lessons in the past may come in handy this time around. For now, just knowing he's back will suffice.

It's never good to assume so now i'll be taking everything with a grain of salt.

I'm older.
I'm smarter.
I know what i deserve.

alone = lonely?

i was watching a rerun of before sunset last night and this line stuck: "being alone is better than being with a lover and feeling alone" - Celine

so why put up with it?

it's just a pity how some people stay in unhappy relationships just coz they feel that being alone would kill them. or that it's better than having no one. thing is, you may have someone beside you but still that doesn't guarantee a warm and cozy bed. it could very well be just as cold, even more. isn't it better sleep in an empty bed rather than have someone beside you who isn't really there?

again, i ask. why stay?

i'm glad i didn't.

i'm better off. i'm happier. and no one will again make me feel otherwise :)

not settling for anything less

my cousin bing is getting married in 2 weeks and while the idea of a dayful of mush, tears and more mush makes me cringe, i promised myself i'd behave come "the day". i will, after all, play hostess and sing a song or two. talk about over exposure huh? i just hope i don't forget the lyrics and the string quartet won't gimme a hard time with the music.

still, behind my cynical and almost stoic view on weddings, i, of course wish them both a life filled with bliss, a roomful of happy lil bings ang andreis and a marriage based on trust and love. i've seen them grow as a couple so i'm sure married life will be a breeze. they are young, they are happy and they're in love!

"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them." -- Dream For An Insomniac

ate bing quoted that in her blog and i'm quoting it again. i once told myself this "i may turn 40 but i will never settle just because i HAVE to get married". and thanks to the 4 ladies of Sex and the City, the once view on singledom has completely changed. i have nothing against getting married but like what my cousin said, anything mediocre is a waste of time so why bother?

gone are the days when society sees single people as social curses bound to spend a life of solitude and dejection. see, now being single does not make one a disgrace or a sociopath but rather a person who is free to choose. one who does not give in to what society expects.

i'm not saying that marriage isn't for me. all i'm saying is until i find that someone, i wouldn't mind walkin this earth as a single, fab woman. life is too short to waste on the wrong person. i know my time will come.

who knows, maybe someday, ate bing's love for mush might rub off on me.