steady as a steady does

writing to me is a form of therapy. it has become my way to cope with the not so wonderful things that came my way all these years. this blog in fact, came to be as a result of a major break-up.

this has become my own space in the cyber world where i can share all my thoughts without ever thinking that i will or am being judged (i have facebook and twitter and instagram for that!)

soooo why am i not writing more????? it's not like nothing has happened to me since May!

well nothing melodramatic has happened i have to admit. so maybe that's why i haven't graced this page in a long time. you know how musicians get inspired by tragedies and heartaches? that's prolly me and writing. sadness fuels my pen so to speak. and the fact that i haven't written in a long time is reason to be thankful for i guess.

so thank you dear universe. my life is steady.
it ain't grand as i would want it to be. but maybe steady is what i need at the moment.

i'll be turning 40 next year. imma save up all my fireworks then.

ps.
i am scared shit!!!

indifference

in·dif·fer·ence

inˈdif(ə)rəns/

noun

1. lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

   "she shrugged, feigning indifference"

   synonyms:

   lack of concern, unconcern,disinterest, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, apathy, nonchalance,insouciance; More

   • unimportance.

     "it cannot be regarded as a matter of indifference"

     synonyms:

     unimportance, insignificance,irrelevance, inconsequentialityMore

     -----------

     
     

     Yup, that's it. That's just about sums  it up.

of memories long forgotten

I haven't spoken to anyone about you in a long time. And by long I mean years.
Sure you have crossed my mind in more than one occasion but none that made me reminisce and sad.

Today, however, over bottomless margaritas, I did.

For the first time, I spoke about you and it made me go back to how it was when we were close. I read the letter you asked me to write you on your birthday and I can't help but be sad.

Funny how things turn out huh? What was once a time that made me smile brought me tears. And in that instant. In that aota of a moment, I missed you.

Whatever happened to us?

of sudden longing and momentary sadness

I just finished watching The Mirror Has Two Faces for the nth time. As expected, I cried. Again. I don't think I will ever get tired of this movie. Prolly because it gives people like me hope that someday it's gonna be our turn...my turn at love and all it's glorious mess. 

My turn to find that one person that would make me feel like I'm home. One who won't judge me if I love to eat everything with butter or that salad for me isn't a meal but an appetizer. One who would look at me all messy and sweaty and still find me beautiful. One who won't tell me lies just coz that's what I wanted to hear. 

I want that. I need that. 

For the first time however, It suddenly felt like it's never gonna happen.  Mind you, that feeling of losing hope/faith over something you've always believed in scares the crap out of me. 

So I snapped out of it.

If Boots Anson-Roa got engaged at 69, why can't I right? 

Someday.  My turn will come.  I just hope I won't have to wait til I'm 69!

Lifestyle change before turning 40

I barely got 2 years before the big 40 so I better start cracking!

The plan, to lose just enough so I won't have to dela with all the stress that comes with age and obesity! Yes, I am obese in the medical world. SHOCKING I know as I was always comfortable in my own skin.  Diet and exercise were hobbies which I could do whenever I feel like it (which was close to NEVER!)

I could get away with that when I was in my twenties. Now that I'm nearing the dreaded 40, I felt the need for change. It's time for me to grow up and accept the fact that whilst confidence and personality will take me far, I knew I had to do something.

And so I did.

I had to do something with my diet first as I knew I had to eat healthier. So I succumbed to calorie counting. 1200 daily calories meal delivered at my doorstep.  At first I was a bit skeptic but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I've made this year. Thanks to YummyDiet for opening my eyes to eating healthier without sacrificing the taste.

Dieting was the easy part. It's the working out that's a bit intimidating.  I mean, yes I play badminton and do bikram yoga but I am far from being sporty or gym buffy. However, I knew I had to. Diet can only do so much I had to partner it with some form of exercise.  I had to make the gym my new best friend. And so, thanks to my wonderful friends, i discovered boxing!

FitFast Wellness 

and i love it. like really really love it.

Yes, the non-sporty girly girl now boxes! I mean who wouldn't with these babies?! I figured since imma be doing it at least 3 times a week, i had to invest on gloves and hand wraps. and anyone who knows me knows i happen to love pink in all shapes forms and shades.

imagine my shriek when i found these! special shoutout to nishy who pointed me to the right direction :)


and so there...my first entry for 2014 happens to be about my lifestyle change. with the help of my wonderful support group (my oplanbalikalindog friends), i'm well on my way...i'm already seeing results and my determination has not wavered. a good sign i must say.

of course i do cheat when i want. i still eat and lay around like vegies when i feel like it. the only difference now is that i know i have a choice. i know when to say no and when to say yes when it matters.

i seem to be on the right track...here's me at my heaviest (on the left) and on my first swimsuit ever (taken 2wks back in boracay)

 

i know i have a loooonnnggg way to go but at least i know which path i'm in.

before i know it, i will be forty and fabulous!

a thanksgiving like no other

*** hover on each photo for a better description ***

for my first thanksgiving, i say i did pretty damn well.

checked in at the Intercon in Times Square on the 21st and then went to Central Park for the inflating of the balloons to be used for the Macy's Thanksgiving parade on the 22nd.

partied til the wee hours with my fab NYC friends...met an Argentinian gay guy who wanted to make out with me! twice. so i did. twice! ehem ehem. (bucketlist item checked! hahahha!)

got drunk...sat on the sidewalk in freezing weather...didn't make it to my bed and slept on the carpet instead. woke up at 12noon only to realize i'm missing one contact lens.

OH! which meant i missed the parade the next day, had a hangover while having lunch at Dallas BBQ in Timesquare but i had the best ribs ever! by the time lunch was done, i was up and about but was not up enough for the ice skating challenge over at the Pond in Bryant Park.

by dinnertime, i was almost back to my usual self so we went out for drinks at Heartland Brewery on 41st and 8th followed by a night of pure karaoke fun in Koreatown with dear college friends.

i spent the day in my hotel room on Friday (23rd) and then went out with another friend for a different kind of night in town. we had way too much fun at the Museum of Sex and learned that bonobo monkeys trade sugar canes for sex favors!

for dinner, in order to satisfy my earlier craving of paella, we headed to La Nacional, one of NYC's best kept secret to have our paella fix. mike could not have chosen a better authentic Spanish place in that side of New York. the place was cozy, the food was great and the service was excellent! a must try for food connoisseurs...even the snooty ones!

after downing 2 kinds of paella, a pitcher of sangria and a plate of octopus, we decided to walk a few blocks. my friend wanted to show me the Washington Arch and the Flatiron Bldg. so we did. they both sounded fairly familiar. and they were!

the Flatiron Bldg was constantly used in Friends and was the headquarters of Peter Parker in Spiderman. now the Washington Arch in Washington Square Park was featured in Ugly Betty, August Rush and I Am Legend. i managed to get a few shots before my iPhone died whew!

and since it was my last night in New York, going home early was not an option. we took a cab and went all the way to 3rd street to see a live band perform at Cafe Wha?. the club's vibe was different from what i expected. the band played a mixture of jazz, soul, r&b, rock and pop! turned out, the band has been playing there since forever! it. was. fun!

i checked out on saturday (24) to get ready for yet another post thanksgiving party in New Jersey with my colleagues from work which started at 12nn and ended at 12mn. if that doesn't spell wonderful time, i don't know how else to call it. we had our traditional turkey plus loads of other pinoy food and a heaping array of alcohol. it was thanksgiving pinoy style.

so there, that's how my thanksgiving week went. so much to be thankful for.
i am really blessed and i can't ask for anything more (well except for a boyfriend!!!)

jack frost nipping at your nose

and so the snow fell a week after Hurricane Sandy visited the east coast.

guess who went out and played :)

*** see other snow pics when i went to Seoul, South Korea in 2009

for the nth time, i'm not in college

in a country of mixed races such as the US, asians have a slight advantage - we do not age as fast as other races. more often than not, asians who are well beyond their prime are  mistaken as way younger than their actual age.

i've had my share. more than my share.

it's not that i'm complaining. i mean who wouldn't wanna look young right? 

however, while it's such a huge complement to be mistaken for a college kid, it has it's price.

besides the fact that i couldn't have drinks without an ID that has my birthday on it, what i noticed is that the people (read boys/men) who seem to show interest in me are on that age group - the young. way too young. like college kids young. 

that or the men my age are simply not interested in me. hahahaha! tough luck!

sabi ko nga sa pinoy na lang ako eh!

that famous path in Central Park

i did it. i've taken the walk across probably the most popular landmark in Central Park.

the The Mall and Literary Walk has been a favorite spot for movies and tv shot on location in New York. if it was filmed in the city, there is almost always a scene or two taken at this exact same place!

i was there. last weekend. the goosebumps on my arms went ballistic! it was breathtaking.

i mean who can forget JLo as the maid wearing the perfect white suit taking a stroll with the senator Ralph Fiennes in Maid in Manhattan?  or the numerous times that Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda chatted and walked this path  in Sex and the City? or Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake discussing the rules in Friends with Benefits?

in all the places i've been to here in the US, this, by far is my favorite. i know i said that the only thing i wanted to do in New York was cross the Brooklyn Bridge and watch Wicked and they both did not fail me.

however, being in Central Park and setting foot on the Literary Walk gave me a sense of realization and awe.  this is New York, i am in New York. the elm trees that form a canopy on the path, the green colored benches, the artists and entertainers, the fast paced walk. that IS New York and i was there.

who's to say i'm not lucky?

there's a new hottie in town

and he is literally on fire! hahaha! let me pause while i wipe off my drool.

Taylor Kinney

he's Lady Gaga's beau and rescue squad Kelly Severide in NBC's new series Chicago Fire.

ok, imma have to wipe my drool again.

to my best friend

a lot has happened over the last year.

you are not the same person you are the last time you celebrated your birthday

you have changed. a good change.

you are now back in Manila and are constantly around shiny, happy people.

you are back in the arms of your family - mom and ninay and your ever faithful throng of friends  who love and will fight for you no matter what.

you have gone back to your old job. a job that you truly truly love. 

you have gone from a fab fashionista to an up and coming entrepreneur.

you may have ended an era in your life but an epic one has already begun.

you are blessed. you are loved. 

what more can you ask?

Happy Birthday bitchsis. I trust the coming year is gonna be a blast.

I love you.

autumn in new york

i had the best weekend. i got to experience my very first autumn in new york. a far cry from the hot, humid summer i had the last time. not to diss my uber fun summer adventure, but there's something about autumn that makes me love NYC even more!

it's like seeing the city for the first time all over again. the autumn breeze, sans the occasional wind, was nice and the colors are amazing. not to mention NYC fall fashion at it's best.

a bunch of other colleagues from Manila are here as well so, as my way of paying it forward (since my friends took me in their wings the last time), i took them out for a day in the city.

 

              overlooking the island of Manhattan            The Brooklyn Bridge seem to be more 

                  from Exchange Place Waterfront                             crowded in the fall

                  

The Rockefeller Center already has the ice skating  set-up which added a Christmassy feel to it

                Times Square in an autumn night               Took a bite from the ever famous
                         was UH-mazing!                              Waffles and  Dinges which apparently
                                                                             won a throwdown against Bobby Flay                                                                                                                                           

NYPD in Times Square

and the highlight of my day would have to be this photo with New York City's finest. my friend and i were like giddy teenagers asking for a pose and the men in uniform we're both more than willing to oblige.

it was a tiring and eventful weekend indeed. we survived the city - the subway, the path trains and the glorious, vibrant all too colorful and chilly streets of New York.

they don't call it fall for nothing

and i am loving every bit of it.

hurray for the falling leaves. hurray for the wonderful colors around. hurray for the cold weather.

winter is just around the corner and i'm savoring every minute of fall before the really really cold cold nights begin.

ready for the cold

it's not even winter yet but the weather has been really really cold since i got here. the weather channel even predicts that winter may come sooner than expected. which means, there might be snow this fall. yey!

and i am so ready for it.

brrrrrr!!!

autumn in new jersey

the last time i was in the US was at the peak of summer. IT WAS HOT. really really hot. like wet armpits feels like in an oven hot. seriously.

my trip this time around happens to be in the fall. they say it's the best season of the year and i can't wait to get it started. 

the leaves are changing colors, the weather is cold and i can start wearing my boots! remember the hello kitty uggs i bought in tokyo? well this weather is just purrfect for that.

Happy Columbus Day America!

it's good to be back.

turned off and utterly disappointed

i thought you were more than that.
i thought you were more of a man that.

but then again i thought i knew you.

apparently i don't,

what i perceived as sensible and kind was just that, mere perceptions and far from being true.

it's just sad to know now that the person i once thought to be the closest to me was actually a complete stranger.

so now i know i made the right move. gone is the guilt. gone is the hurt.
you weren't my knight in shining armor. you were just a sucker for damsels in distress. it took me 3 years to figure it out. better late than never huh?

thank you for showing me the kind of person you really are.

song in my head. mood of my day.

I'm Not That Girl  
by Stephen Schwartz (Wicked the Musical)

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

i woke up but my right face didn't

Electromyography (EMG)

it pays to be vain. at least that's what my neurologist told me when i was admitted to the Makati Medical Center last week. had i not been vain, i wouldn't have noticed the symptoms right away.

i've been experiencing consistent pain at the back of my right ear since i got back so i went for a neuro consult last week. at first i thought it was just a simple jetlag so i didn't give it much thought until tuesday (aug. 21) when i noticed that my right eye wasn't blinking as fast as my left. being used to allergies, i thought it was just a simple attack so i took some antihistamine.

on wednesday (aug. 22) it got worse. my right eye was watery and i couldn't pucker my lips nor make bubble faces. when i looked at the mirror, i knew something was wrong. my right face wasn't reacting the same way as my left. i googled all my symptoms and looked for a good neuro so i could schedule a consult.

thursday afternoon, i went to Makati Med and was admitted right away. what i thought was jetlag turned out to be an early symptom of Bells Palsy  - "a form of facial paralysis resulting from a dysfunction of the cranial nerve VII (the facial nerve) that results in the inability to control facial muscles on the affected side" .

at the ER, the attending physician told me it was good that i went to the doctor right away. usual prognosis takes about a month or two while some percentage never recover. mine took a week. i was given antibacterial and steroids and physical therapy sessions which include electric stimulation and heat therapy as well as facial massages and exercise.

by the time i got out of the hospital last monday (aug. 27), my face was almost back to normal.

i'm still taking some meds and i still need to have physical therapy at least once a week but all is good.

so there, that's how my first month in Manila was spent. i say that's one helluva homecoming.

heading back

all good things must come to end.

my time here is up and i will be heading back to Manila in the morning.

goodbye America. you have been grand. see you in october.

iba talaga ang Pinoy

people deal with various events in life differently from others.  

what may seem tragic and hopeless to a vast majority may be considered trivial and hopeful for some. ganyan ang mga pinoy. amidst tragedies and calamities, we always find time to smile and take them all in, not with bitterness and despair but with a smile on our faces, ready and willing to help those who are far worst than we are.

our glass is always half full. never empty. 

taking care of the elderly

pag nadapa, babangon. pag masakit, iiyak ng sandali. we don't wallow. we can't afford to. to say we are used to hardships in life is an understatement. we grew up knowing we are not entitled. this may seem negative to others but that's how we are raised.  that's why we strive and work harder than the person next to us. nobody's gonna hand things to us on a silver platter. we make things happen.

no boat? this boy made his own

don't get me wrong, we don't trivialize serious matters such as natural calamities. we just don't take them hard. nangyari na eh, what's the use of crying over it for a long period of time. we are handed a bad card and yet Filipinos choose not to fold but to play their darnest best.

when Ondoy happened in 2009, people didn't have time to feel sorry for themselves or wallow in self-pity. everyone who is able to help, albeit small, lend a hand. the rich, the poor, the young and the old. again, doing so with a smile on their faces. 

the Philippines is once again in a state of calamity. the monsoon rains have not stopped for the last 2 days, engulfing most of Luzon in water. once again, i see smiling faces. they know, we know we can handle it just like we always do.

reaching out to help

Filipinos always find solidarity in times of trouble. we always find the silver lining - the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. we remain strong and undeterred and resilient at every blow life throws us. we believe that things will work out in the end. we never lose hope. 

it goes without saying that we don't just sit and wait for our knight in shining armor. we deal. we stand and help ourselves up and move on and in doing so, we still have the energy and love to help those we meet along the way.

as in Ondoy, i am not there to witness it all. looking at the pictures and videos, i cannot help but feel not sorry but proud. relief and rescue efforts mostly from private individuals and organizations are immediately in effect. they can't afford to wait for the government to come to their aid. they don't need to as everyone is pitching in.

even the animals are not forgotten

social media once again played a vital role in all of this. prayers and helpful information flooded the web. twitter and facebook were filled with real time updates, not to scare anyone but to spread the news in the hopes that they, in their own little way, are able to help pass on information.

kahit maliit, basta makatulong. 

of course there will still be the runts of the litter. the opportunists and the pessimists and the so-called haters. to them i say, sorry na lang kayo. Filipinos will not falter nor give in. make fun and hate all you want, nobody's listening anyway as everybody else is busy dealing with it the best way they can.

yan ang Pinoy and i am proud to be one.

~~~~~~~~

for those who wish to help in any way, here are a few info:

• Cash donations may be deposited to Philippine Star's Operation Damayan: MBTC Port Area Branch Account No. 151-304-161622-9. Or you may call The STAR hotline 527-7901 local 148 or direct line 301-9598 and look for Emie Cruz.
• For Bankard card holders, you may also donate by calling the Bankard hotline 888-1-888.
• A list of evacuation centers and relief operations can be found in this link

*** photos are taken from the web