indifference

in·dif·fer·ence

inˈdif(ə)rəns/

noun

1. lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

   "she shrugged, feigning indifference"

   synonyms:

   lack of concern, unconcern,disinterest, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, apathy, nonchalance,insouciance; More

   • unimportance.

     "it cannot be regarded as a matter of indifference"

     synonyms:

     unimportance, insignificance,irrelevance, inconsequentialityMore

     -----------

     
     

     Yup, that's it. That's just about sums  it up.

of memories long forgotten

I haven't spoken to anyone about you in a long time. And by long I mean years.
Sure you have crossed my mind in more than one occasion but none that made me reminisce and sad.

Today, however, over bottomless margaritas, I did.

For the first time, I spoke about you and it made me go back to how it was when we were close. I read the letter you asked me to write you on your birthday and I can't help but be sad.

Funny how things turn out huh? What was once a time that made me smile brought me tears. And in that instant. In that aota of a moment, I missed you.

Whatever happened to us?

turned off and utterly disappointed

i thought you were more than that.
i thought you were more of a man that.

but then again i thought i knew you.

apparently i don't,

what i perceived as sensible and kind was just that, mere perceptions and far from being true.

it's just sad to know now that the person i once thought to be the closest to me was actually a complete stranger.

so now i know i made the right move. gone is the guilt. gone is the hurt.
you weren't my knight in shining armor. you were just a sucker for damsels in distress. it took me 3 years to figure it out. better late than never huh?

thank you for showing me the kind of person you really are.

the letter

If I ever write this letter
The pages I could write
But I don't know where to send it
You have vanished
Heaven knows where you live
Heaven only knows

If I ever write this letter
Bitter words it would contain
Just an unrequited lover
Wishing she had never
Spoken your name
Had never known your name

But if I ever write this letter
The truth it would reveal
Knowing you brought me pleasure
How I'll often treasure
Moments that we knew
The precious, the few

-- Natalie Merchant

it's been two months

and today is the first time i thought about him.

i miss him. i still miss him.

just when i thought i was doing better. too much for baby steps huh?

deleted

for the nth time, i decided to let himhim go. while i may have tried and failed several times in the past, i know i SHOULD  try again one last time.

last night, as i was on FB, i saw him. read his updates. lurked at his page.

and then it hit me. i felt like a friggin' teenage stalker. yaiks!

so i did what a normally sane, composed adult would do. i deleted him. 

one single click and he's gone. at least in all my social media.

the madness had to stop. 

baby steps. little tiny baby steps. makakarating din ako.

freedom day

today marks the time i stop to care. i'm done. and i'm so glad it finally came.


funny thing is, i actually feel a sense of freedom. 


i've been cooped up in a world where a day starts and ends with all the stress of thinking about him.  
all the what ifs, could've beens and all the drama that IS him.


or i could have been in an uber long bangunot that i just had to wake up.


just like that. 


and as nightmares go, the bad things just stopped the moment i opened my eyes.


just like that. 


i am back. with a smile on my face. 


salamat universe.

chasing pavements

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But, if I tell the world I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do If I end up with you

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there

an email for myself

almost 3 years ago, when my bestfriend was having one of "those days", i sent her this email. 

now, i'm borrowing it and sending to myself. because yes, i need it. badly.

"we are works of art. we are not done yet.

we still have to undergo pains but when we're done, we will be priceless and fab.

da vinci did not finish the mona lisa in one day.

i believe we will have our time. you and i.

it would be a complete and utter disgust to the whole humankind kung hindi.
darating din yun.
darating din sya.
in the meantime,
we have beaches to conquer, wines to drink, boys to have fun with and uber fab friends who will pick us up or untog our ulo when we get lost."

minor setback and a bounce

i had the worst blues attack last week. i mean yuck! lasted for 3 days which was even more yuck.

but it's over. i've managed to shake it off. i'm sorta back to "normal".

in less than a month, i will be going back to manila. familiar place. familiar people. home.

===

in other news, my boss in manila called yesterday to tell me that another team is poaching me. she didn'nt want me to move but said that it's a step up in the corporate ladder and that she wanted me to know my options. and since she put it that way, i said yes to the move. with the promise to transition until a suitable replacement for my current post is identified.

so there, effective Aug. 1, i shall leave the umbrella of the boss i've loved for 5 yrs. it's bittersweet since she's the one who gave me a break. she's my mentor and i love her dearly. but that's life. you just gotta roll with it.

and hell imma rolling :)

song in my head. thoughts in my mind.

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables



Turning Tables lyrics

distance

that's what we have.

it would be better if its about miles.

but it isn't.

that's what makes it sad. really sad.  

wacka wacka it's time for Africa

i was supposed to stay here in KL until the end of May but due to an urgent requirement for another project, i'll be flying back to Manila on Monday to process my visa for South Africa.

yes, wacka wacka it is.

to make things more interesting, himhim will be assigned there as well. and so for the next three months, we shall be together. every single day.

wish me luck.

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

....for me it happens all the time....

updates since my last post

Work:
I'm back in KL, this time, a project for Singapore. the last project for HK was a huge success albeit some issues, most of which are non-work related

I have a new member which makes us a team of 6 now. masipag pa. for how long, i'm not sure hahaha!
performance appraissal is just around the corner so i'm keeping both fingers and toes crossed! a promotion sounds mighty fine :)

Family:
Miguel was a scarecrow last halloween. oooohhh and he was the cutest scarecrow ever!

himhim:
IS DEAD. I KILLED HIM NA!

well, he's out my life at least. like way out. we hardly talked since i went back to manila..not even before i left for KL. do i miss him? i'd be lying and a straightass hypocrite if i say i don't.

so yes, i do. but not like before. something just died and he and i were never the same.

friends:
i'm gonna be a bridesmaid. again. one in december and the other one in january. lampas 27 dresses na ito!!!! lord, pwede bang tanggalin na ang maid at maging bride naman ako??? hahhaa!

so that's it. KL is gonna be home for the next month. which means, i will be celebrating my bday here and i will be missing Papa's big 75th celebration at home :(

i'm letting you go

to swim with the other fishes so i too can swim in a sea without you in it...

thank you.

you asked me tonight if it was brave of me for not taking the chance just coz i know there's no point or that i'm just scared for not wanting to get hurt. i had no answer, at least not to your face.

I'm telling you now. I honestly don't know. all i know is i have to make peace with what is and not hope or think of what it's not.

and this...letting you go...no matter how hard it is is the bravest thing i have done and will do.

good to be home

so it's day 2 in manila and everything is better than fine.

Day 1 was spent with my family. Well at least for the entire 4hours that i was awake! Hahaha! mama cooked adobo since i requested for it. Since i started getting lo ng out of the country assignments, adobo has been my welcome meal. So even if airline food as yet to be digested, i had to eat. After all, no one cooks adobo like my mom!

my nephew miguel could not get enough of me and i'm not complaining. he now has this eay of looking and smiling at you as if to say uuuyyy ninang is here! And his words! Omg! It's only been a month but his vocabulary has increased tremendously. That plus the fact that he's more pilyo than ever. once i said no and he goes "aba laban na ha!" and the gives me the cutest smile! hahaha!

Today was spent at work. and as expected, i was swamped. But i don't mind. I love what i do! 2 days down. 5 days to go before i leave again.

Oh and the best part is i saw him and i was ok. which is a far cry from where i was a month ago. Snaps for me!

manila, oh how i love thee. You're far from perfect but i am happy to call you my imperfect home :)

on expectations falling short

never ask a question if you're not ready for the answer. especially if the answer you're gonna get is not the one that you were hoping for.

a friend once told me, you only get hurt when you expect. does that mean you just take things as they are. settle for things that are and never think about the possibility of something other than what is?

i say screw that. otherwise, i'm screwed.

expectations give us a glimmer of hope. the key is not to go overboard. while it's true that it's no fun when people/things fall short of what is expected, it's not the end of the world. if it is, then the world has ended for all of us a long time ago.

of course i'm writing this, not for you as i am still trying to convince myself. almost there. baby steps.

the crappy part of all these drama

is that i can't talk to you about it. you've asked me a million times but i just can't and it sucks.

tonight, when you asked if it was you, i almost said yes. but i can't. so i didn't. it's easier that way i think.

you're my bestfriend and i should be able to tell you stuff like these. that's what you're supposed to be doing. comforting me in times like these. but how can i when the problem is you? how can i tell you that everytime you're near i melt?

how can i tell you that when your heart breaks, my heart breaks into a million pieces more? how can i tell you that i need to stop loving you? tell me. how?

you should've stayed away. you shouldn't have gone back. now i'm a mess and i can't tell my bestfriend about it.

reset

that's what i said. all i needed was a reset.

but at the rate i'm going, the reset becomes more like a pause. a pause that as soon as i get back to manila will get played over and over again.

why is it so hard to let go of this one? i'm usually good at it. but now, even with my game face on, i seem to be having the most difficult time.

is it because i have never cared this much before? or have never felt this with anyone not even previous boyfriends?

that's just sad. but i'm on pause. so i'm not allowed to be sad. but i am.

so yes, i am doomed.