sunday confessions: dork yet again

i have a thing. a gift, if i may say so.

you see, i say what i want, when i want, to whomever i want. call it frankness or honesty or sheer guts and ballsy, i could care less. i just am. i'm not one to shy away from saying something that is true. regardless. some have even called me a bitch. do i care? did i care? not the least bit. in fact, if being a bitch meant staying true, than hail to all dem bitches in the world ;)

BUT. yes, there's a but. a huge buge but.

you see, all those talk about frankness and honesty and guts and balls? they don't come when it counts. at least not around guys i like. and i mean, really really like. friends know this about me. the bitch leaves the door every single time i'm with a guy i like. seriously. my mind turns blank. i get tingles which results in involuntary shivers that make my voice crack while i say useless, pathetic, what-was-i-thinking-dorklike comments. argh!

now, i would understand and it would be more acceptable had it happened back in the days. you know, back when i still had a unibrow and i have yet to discover make-up and when my wardrobe staple was a pair of shorts and a tshirt and the new kids on the block was the happening boy band group. but to have it happen again at this stage in my life? wtf????

this. has. got. to. stop!

sunday confessions : i was an idiot in gradeschool

ok, so my appreciation for the opposite sex started way too early but what can a young girl do? hahaha!

anyway, uncle C may have been my first McDreamy but there was another one and this other one really gave me those knee-wobbling-can't-speak-when-he's-around kinda stuff. lets just call him AD.

when i was in fourth grade, him and my cousin who was a year older than me were classmates. he belonged to the cool upper levels and i was in awe the minute i saw him. all i could think of was to find ways of spending time with him in close proximity. he was a member of the glee club so i auditioned. he was a drummer for the school band so i asked my lola to buy me an instrument so i can join and i did. i didn't care if i had no idea what a lyre was. i just had to be in the same room with him even for like an hour each day and i'd be happy. my evening prayers included asking God to make him have a crush on me. seriously.

now, did we become friends? no. did we exchange a single conversation? no. why? because i was such an idiot!

i had my most embarrasing moment and i mean THE most embarrasing moment with him. there were several instances when i acted like a fool around him. once, as i was about to go down the stairs, i saw him like 4 steps away, going towards me. before i even thought of smiling or making a really good impression, my nerves got the best of me. i literally blurted "oh my God" and ran the opposite direction. a few minutes later, he went inside my classroom. what did i do? i ran and hid inside the brooms closet! pathetic! i stayed there for what seemed like ages. when i went out, my friend said he was looking for me. it was Valentines day! crap!!!!

okay so that was only the first. another happened when i went camping. yes, i was a Girl Scout and he was a Boy Scout. and in my school, campings were usually done for both simultaneously. one of the activities was the help the girls day where the boys would help us girls with whatever need we had. that time, i was on water duty so, with a pail in hand, i was gonna go and fetch some water. AD saw me and, together with another boy, walked towards me. now, one would see this as a perfect opportunity. he was gonna help me and i would say thank you. but no! the minute i realized what he was about to do, i went straight for his friend. gave him my pail. and yes, you guessed it. i ran. again. away from him.

i still wanna kick myself for acting like an idiot. i was such a pussy!

it's been over 2 decades now and i still laugh at myself when it comes up in conversations. hmn...i wonder where he is now?

sunday confessions : radio junkie

when i was in high school, music to me was like butter is to toast. i memorized knew all the new songs and radio station surfing was a staple.

did i stop there? was i contented with just listening? hell no! you see, i was once what you may call a radio junkie. i used to call these radio stations for tickets or requests or contests or just to hear myself on air. best part is, i thought it was cool. even my friends thought so too. hello? who wouldn't? i get to go to concerts and premiers and i get to say hi to all these fab DJs. see, back in the day, if you knew a DJ personally, then you got it. hahaha! well, at least that's how i felt then. like a million bucks.

i'd spend hours talking to these DJs on the phone. and for a high school kid, that was huge. it was like talkin to a celebrity or something.

now, one would think that hours spent on the phone with people who sound really really hot on the radio is enough. yes? well, not for me. there was a time when i'd go to these radio stations just to say hi. ok, maybe flirt a little. i mean, that's what teenagers do right?

some of the best days of my life happened in highschool and i wouldn't trade being a radio junkie for soirees and what nots. it was a phase, i know. but during that shortlived phase, i felt like a highschool rockstar! :D

sunday confessions : there was a time when...

i'm starting a series called sunday confessions, where, as the title implies, i will be sharing personal stuff about myself. some trivial, while others may shock even my closest and dearest friends.

as the first of the series, i figured, it has to be something really big. so what better way to start off than to go through my personal journal from years ago.

feb. 2003
He wasn’t even my type! I usually go for the tall, chunky-chubby guy who speaks so well that I wouldn’t mind talking to him all night! One whom I can argue with and can hold his ground coz believe me, I can be one stubborn bitch at times! Everyone who knows me knows about this! I mean, I wouldn’t be caught dead with a skinny, 5’7 guy who shies away at the first sign of an argument! There’s just no thrill, no fun in it! Besides, I want someone whom I can feel safe with, yung tipong feeling ko e kahit may umaway sa akin he’ll come to the rescue!

Pero siyet! At isa pang siyet! I spoke too soon!

Tired of a number of failed, shitty, crappy relationships, I was doing quite well being single. For the first time in a long time I was happy being alone. I have come to realize that I don’t need a man to make me happy. I was doing things when I want to where I want to and with whom I want to. I was having fun…taking my time…not wanting to be with someone unless I’m pretty sure he’s gonna be "the one". I have become so cynical that whenever I meet someone, I have to always be two steps ahead and it worked out pretty well.

Then he came along….all 5’7 of him! Hehe! The first time we met, I knew he wasn’t my type. Aside from the fact that he’s not tall and big enough, he didn’t sound nice! I mean, he wasn’t stupid or anything, he was witty in fact but he just didn’t sound nice! Call me shallow but first impressions matter to me and that time, he was the least bit impressive. But he was so nice and funny that I thought we could be good friends.

He would call me everyday…constantly send me text messages…even drive all the way from Pasig to Makati para magyosi break lng kasama ako! We’d talk about his family…my past relationships…basically anything! Often, he’d come pick me up in the morning to bring me to work and then bring me home after office. The office guard knows him already.

I was happy…we were happy just being friends.

And then it happened…the one thing I feared the most happened. He said he loved me! At first I didn’t take it seriously. Sabi ko natutuwa lang sya sa akin…he didn’t love me, he was just lonely. At least that’s what I wanted to believe.

I gave in eventually…and at that time, we were the happiest, I was the happiest. I kept him to myself knowing that my friends wouldn’t understand if they find out. We had our own world. I have never felt that much love for someone…and I never thought I’d be given that much love in return….he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not a day passes that we won’t see or talk to each other. He was everything I hoped and prayed for, and more. I learned to appreciate the simple things in life…a short drive around the city, a cup of coffee, late night movie, a simple touch of a hand. Things which I normally took for granted suddenly became significant.

But as the song goes…good things never last.

We knew from the very start that it was bound to end. It was never meant to be in the first place. We just had to make our memories and when it was enough, we had to say goodbye.

We had to end it before it becomes too late for us to let go…before I start thinking of myself and hurt other people.

It had to end…and I had to move on. He was never mine to begin with. At the end of the day, no matter how happy we were, nothing would change the fact that he still has a wife.

What we had was special and I wanna leave it at that. I know for a fact that I will never be completely happy knowing that I broke a family. It may have hurt but it was the right thing to do, the least I could do. I was not raised to be a mistress. I’m more than that.

I’m not writing this to justify what I did, nor am I here to be judged and condemned.

What I did was wrong, but I don’t regret it. I felt what every girl should feel. Too bad it had to be with someone whom I can’t have. Still I was happy.

It gave me the chance to see life in a different way...made me appreciate even the simplest, most insignificant things around me. More importantly, I realized that I am capable of loving that much and be loved in the same way, even more.

If it happened once, it could happen again...hopefully, with someone whom I can really be with.

To love is to gamble. I have been betting my body, my mind and my soul to win in the game of love but rarely do I hit the jackpot. I'm into the game again believing that luck is on my side