sunday confessions : there was a time when...

i'm starting a series called sunday confessions, where, as the title implies, i will be sharing personal stuff about myself. some trivial, while others may shock even my closest and dearest friends.

as the first of the series, i figured, it has to be something really big. so what better way to start off than to go through my personal journal from years ago.

feb. 2003
He wasn’t even my type! I usually go for the tall, chunky-chubby guy who speaks so well that I wouldn’t mind talking to him all night! One whom I can argue with and can hold his ground coz believe me, I can be one stubborn bitch at times! Everyone who knows me knows about this! I mean, I wouldn’t be caught dead with a skinny, 5’7 guy who shies away at the first sign of an argument! There’s just no thrill, no fun in it! Besides, I want someone whom I can feel safe with, yung tipong feeling ko e kahit may umaway sa akin he’ll come to the rescue!

Pero siyet! At isa pang siyet! I spoke too soon!

Tired of a number of failed, shitty, crappy relationships, I was doing quite well being single. For the first time in a long time I was happy being alone. I have come to realize that I don’t need a man to make me happy. I was doing things when I want to where I want to and with whom I want to. I was having fun…taking my time…not wanting to be with someone unless I’m pretty sure he’s gonna be "the one". I have become so cynical that whenever I meet someone, I have to always be two steps ahead and it worked out pretty well.

Then he came along….all 5’7 of him! Hehe! The first time we met, I knew he wasn’t my type. Aside from the fact that he’s not tall and big enough, he didn’t sound nice! I mean, he wasn’t stupid or anything, he was witty in fact but he just didn’t sound nice! Call me shallow but first impressions matter to me and that time, he was the least bit impressive. But he was so nice and funny that I thought we could be good friends.

He would call me everyday…constantly send me text messages…even drive all the way from Pasig to Makati para magyosi break lng kasama ako! We’d talk about his family…my past relationships…basically anything! Often, he’d come pick me up in the morning to bring me to work and then bring me home after office. The office guard knows him already.

I was happy…we were happy just being friends.

And then it happened…the one thing I feared the most happened. He said he loved me! At first I didn’t take it seriously. Sabi ko natutuwa lang sya sa akin…he didn’t love me, he was just lonely. At least that’s what I wanted to believe.

I gave in eventually…and at that time, we were the happiest, I was the happiest. I kept him to myself knowing that my friends wouldn’t understand if they find out. We had our own world. I have never felt that much love for someone…and I never thought I’d be given that much love in return….he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not a day passes that we won’t see or talk to each other. He was everything I hoped and prayed for, and more. I learned to appreciate the simple things in life…a short drive around the city, a cup of coffee, late night movie, a simple touch of a hand. Things which I normally took for granted suddenly became significant.

But as the song goes…good things never last.

We knew from the very start that it was bound to end. It was never meant to be in the first place. We just had to make our memories and when it was enough, we had to say goodbye.

We had to end it before it becomes too late for us to let go…before I start thinking of myself and hurt other people.

It had to end…and I had to move on. He was never mine to begin with. At the end of the day, no matter how happy we were, nothing would change the fact that he still has a wife.

What we had was special and I wanna leave it at that. I know for a fact that I will never be completely happy knowing that I broke a family. It may have hurt but it was the right thing to do, the least I could do. I was not raised to be a mistress. I’m more than that.

I’m not writing this to justify what I did, nor am I here to be judged and condemned.

What I did was wrong, but I don’t regret it. I felt what every girl should feel. Too bad it had to be with someone whom I can’t have. Still I was happy.

It gave me the chance to see life in a different way...made me appreciate even the simplest, most insignificant things around me. More importantly, I realized that I am capable of loving that much and be loved in the same way, even more.

If it happened once, it could happen again...hopefully, with someone whom I can really be with.

To love is to gamble. I have been betting my body, my mind and my soul to win in the game of love but rarely do I hit the jackpot. I'm into the game again believing that luck is on my side