can i just say that...

1. it is sooooo feakin hot and i can't wait to get out of town and get drunk by the poolside woohooo!!!

2. i haven't been getting much sleep for the past couple of days because i'm tryin to finish the da vinci code. yes folks, i have yet to finish reading the ever so popular dan brown novel but i'm gettin there...a few more pages and probably another sleepless night or two hehehehe!

3. I love bethany joy lenz' songs! as i was lookin for the soundtrack of One Tree Hill, I came across Elsewhere and i can't believe i'm gonna say this but her version was better than that of Sarah McLachlan! can't wait for her album to come out! (http://www.bethanyjoylenz.com)

4. i have to visit my ever reliable nail salon as my hands and feet badly need attention! eeewww!

5. my first attempt at making pesto was a disaster! hahahha!

6. my new goal for the year : prepare the perfect pesto sauce!

7. thanks to gerson's wife, maya, i found the perfect moisturizer!

8. my dear friend ayi is doin' pretty well and i cannot be happier

9. my sister is officially home. yup! after a few weeks of tryin to make it on her own, she has finally called it quits. could be coz she misses moi? hehehe! in any case, i'm so glad she's back!

10. I AM HAPPY AND CONTENT...my family is healthy, i have a good job, really loyal and wonderful friends and a fabulous hair! ;)

life's blows

a couple of weeks ago, i found out that one of my dearest friends is sick real bad...he was diagnosed to have the early stages of leukemia (Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia)

the news was a total blow...i waited for the punch line but it never came. i couldn't react when

he told me...questions flooded my mind...one kept nagging at the back of my head....

why him?

why not the scums of the earth, the good for nothing lame excuses for human beings? why not the low lives and the selfish pricks? why not the ungrateful sons and irresponsible brothers?

why him?

i was to find out eventually....

after several visits with him, i know now why.

it's because...

his family and friends love him dearly
his faith is strong and untarnished
his spirit, positive and vibrant
he is strongwilled and driven

he has no room for hate, he doesn't question why

all these said, i know now why him...because no one i know can win this battle other than him....while others would weep, he will smile...while others would quit, he will move on and fight....while others would feel sorry for themselves, he will continue to see the silver lining....

i love him dearly and he knows that.

this isn't the end....this is just a bump, a hurdle in his life....one which i know he'll overcome....

~~~~~~~
http://www.marrow.org/PATIENT/cml.html http://users.rcn.com/jkimball.ma.ultranet/BiologyPages/C/CML.html

my roller coaster ride

you know that feeling before riding a roller coaster? your tummy starts to hurt with anticipation, be it coz of nerves or excitement. either way, you are so anxious for the ride to start. you fall in line and wait. while some people get lucky and go first, some would have to wait some more for their turn and once you get your turn, you brace yourself for the ride ahead.

you sit tight, fasten your seatbelt and pray that it will hold. the ride starts, slowly at first, makin you relax. it makes it's first turn. nah it wasn't so scary at all, in fact you get more comfortable that you can't wait for the next one to come as you know for sure it's gonna be better than the first.

the next turn comes, only this time it was faster and steeper. you grab on to the bar and screamed. but you're ok. while it was more intense than the first, you find yourself actually liking it. by this time, you know you're ready for the next.

but before you can brace yourself, the next one came faster than you anticipated. before you can even scream, the next one came again and this time, it flipped you over and it went faster and faster. you close your eyes and pray for it to be over.

then it slowed down just a bit. you heave a sigh of relief thinking it was over. you open your eyes. but before you can grab on to the bar again, it started to move...slowly at first then the drop came. you think you screamed but you didn't and before you can even know it, the ride has stopped. it was over.

you remove your seatbelt. you get off. your knees may be wobbly at first but you shake them a bit and then you're fine. off to the next ride you go. you know you had fun and might go fall in line again sometime. but you give yourself time to recover. maybe go for the ferris wheel or the carousel to calm your nerves and when you're ready and if you still want to, you go back and take it again.

it has been a series of highs and lows for me these past few months. i've gone from happy to angry to sad to bitter. i've laughed, cried, whined, cussed, cried some more, smiled again.

this ride is over for me. i've gone off. my knees are fine.

it is true what they say....what does not kill you would make you stronger

i believe i am.

the wheels have turned

...and i couldn't be happier...

while i know it's not nice to be glad over other people's mishaps and miseries, i couldn't help but carry a smile and whistle a tune with this one.

it is time. it has begun.

and the best part is, i did not make them happen.

you're goin down

and you're not taking me with you....

you can't scare me anymore...you may have hurt me more than you ever could imagine but you have no power over me now...

one honest voice is louder than a crowd...

i have nothing to hide and if there's one thing i'm guilty of, it's that of falling for all your shameless, pathetic craps.

i'm ready. i will fight. i'm not scared.

what goes around comes around

i never thought i could hate a person this much...i never tought i am capable of hate....

but then again i never thought someone like him exists and would come into my life, leaving me battered and bruised.

it hurts more now. not because he cheated on me or that i still love him.

the pain is greater now because he is still capable of inflicting pain even when i've already let him go.

it hurts more because now i'm no longer blinded by love so i'm able to see what kind of a person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

it hurts more because now i know he never was and will never be sorry.

most of my friends said karma lang ang katapat nyan and i'm better off.

yes, i know i'm better off and i'm glad to be free of him. but it doesn't make it any less painful to accept.

i can't help but question my own life....how i've lived...

if life is all about karma, what did i ever do to deserve all these?
if what goes around comes around, how come i feel like i'm on the losing end?

too bad you messed with the wrong girl tsk tsk!

so you wanna go to war huh?

bring it on! i ain't afraid and i got nothin to lose. just don't go hiding behind your new prey and be the sissy that you've always been. fight your own fights and face me. and while you're at it, try lookin for your balls..they're probably somewhere underneath the mess you've created...unless one of your girls decided to cut them off for good!

i seldom get mad, you know that...but there's such a thing as too much! and with you, too much is an understatement.

so yes, if you want war, then i'm all for it! just be sure you're damn ready!

the friends i keep

if there is one thing i'm blessed with besides a loving family, it's the number of wonderful real friends i have managed to keep...the ones i grew up with...spent high school and college with...worked with...partied with...had fights with...went shopping with...travelled with....got totally drunk and crazy with...laughed and cried with...

bottomline, these people have kept me grounded when i needed to be.... when the rest of the world seem to turn it's back on me, i have them to back me up if i need a quick reality check, they're the ones that heed the call...

they love me for who and what i am and i love every one of them just as much....

and yes, break-ups and heartaches won't be half as bad when your ally is the same as mine

my fab new do

finally after months of searching for my stylist, i found him! and boy was the timing ever so perrrrrrrfect!

i've been wanting to get a haircut for months but i didn't want anybody else so i waited...and waited and waited some more...and now that he's back, i knew why i did! he's the only one who understands what i want and his hands work magic. even my bitch sis april agrees! hehe!

so now, after months of bad hair episodes, my hair is fabulous!

breakups and the price that came with them

break-ups...bad for the heart...good for the economy! - carrie bradshaw

and indeed they are! but heck who's complaining?

if shopping for shoes and clothes, frequent trips to the spa or salon for a massage or a haircut and color, hours and hours spent at the gym, etc. could make a woman feel better and good about herself then it's all worth it.

i'd like to think that most women these days are no longer confined to the usual post break-up hitches such as moping and sulking and whining and then more moping sulking and whining. i mean, what good would that do besides waking up each morning with even darker circles under your eyes?

instead, women of today tend to channel huge blows in their lives towards self-reinvention...and if it means spending more money then so be it! we owe ourselves that much...we've worked hard...paid our dues...fell in love...became deliriously happy...laughed...cried...got hurt...cried some more but in the end, life sill goes on.

what's important is you don't get stuck in the rut. you pick yourself up and be that person you wanna be and eventually you'll wake up one day and just smile. i know i will.

that's about it for now...i'm off to do my post break-up binges...don't worry i won't spend that much ;)

goodbye may be harsh....

.....but it's the only word that is kind to me now...

with love comes hate...with joy comes pain...with laughter there's tears...

it was a good run but i had to quit before the finish line. my feet could've handled it but my heart can't. i had to stop because i know my heart, resilient as it is, won't make it.

i did try. believe me i did. i just wasn't cut out for it. but i gave it my all. i have no regrets, i owe that to myself.

i played well and i played fair.

it hurts yes, but i'll be fine. and before you know it, i'll be back on the tracks again...

and who knows? maybe i get to finish the next one.

and i thought he was the one

i played fair.

only to find out he was on a different court

daddy's little girl

i never thought that writing about my dad would be this difficult! i have so much to say and yet i couldn't find the right words.

i always get emotional whenever i talk about him and today is no exception. i am after all his little girl. being the eldest of 3, when i was young, papa would always tell me that i was his first love. and indeed i was. he just didn't know he was mine as well.

papa tells the funniest jokes. his stories and pranks bring sunshine on every one in the room with him and just makes everybody's day.

papa has the most caring hands. when one of us is sick, he is the first person to get up and look after us. he would stay by our bedside and wouldn't sleep until he knows we're feeling better.

papa has the gentlest voice. his words never failed to soothe and give us comfort especially when we were at our lowest. his sensitivity is a gift as he always knows when to say the right words

papa has the most beautiful soul i've ever come across. he doesn't see the bad but sees the good in people and things. he has the biggest heart, his love is unconditional. he gives without expecting any in return.

papa has the simplest of joys and each time something nice comes along he is always grateful.

i wish i could be even half the person he is.

all that i am now, i owe to him. he is a blessing. he is an angel. he's my inspiration. he is my friend and he is the best father in the world.

i may not always say it but i know he knows that i love him.

happy birthday papa!

i will be 30 soon

a few days from now, i shall bid farewell to my twenties. yes my friends, next week, i will no longer belong to the 20-something group. i will be part of the 30 and above box. (something to get used to when filling out application forms!)

dreadful? hmn...to be honest? i'm not quite sure. maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. in denial? gosh i hope not! i'm leaning more towards excited. now that's a surprise huh? i guess i've watched too much Sex and the City that their fabulous look at thirty something gals kinda rubbed on me.

i usually get emotional as my birthday draws near. this year, i intend to do otherwise. this year isn't about me. it won't be about me.

my dad and i share the same birthday. since i was born, i know he never got to celebrate his anymore. it has become more of my thing, him being older and all. this year however, i won't let that happen. this year is gonne be for him.

i would tell you more about him on my next entry. for now, suffice it is for me to say that he has the most beautiful soul i know. the most caring hands. the warmest smile. the father whom i won't ever trade for anything in the world.

the power of an EX

picture this. you broke up with him. he moved on. you moved on. you're finally happy with the one you're with and just when you thought things couldn't get any better, you found out he's deliriously happy and will soon get married. you know you don't have feelings for him anymore and yet you can't bring yourself to say "hey i'm happy for you"

then you start going over what happened with you guys. how you were when you were still together. recalling the things you do or didn't do, say or didn't say. you begin to compare how he is with his new girl. then you find out everything was totally different. he did things for her that he didn't do for you. went places with her which you guys planned on going. to top it all, he treated her like a normal human being.

you then begin to compare yourself with her. questions arise. is she prettier? sexier? smarter? funnier? taller? does she have bigger boobs? was her feet nicer than yours? did she go to a better school? does she have to die for hair that can earn a commercial? were you not good enough? is she a better person than you?

tsk tsk! not a pretty good sight i know but i'm sure lots of so called EX's tend to react in the same way. i for one am guilty. oh and you could never imagine what went on in this crazy head of mine ;)

true, i'm happy and life couldn't get any better. i found someone who appreciates and loves me the way my EX never did.

now why this recent event on my EX's life bothers me is still a puzzle. and no matter how hard i try to be happy for them, i just can't.

maybe i'm just being bitter. NOT! I'm just being normal i guess. forgive me if i have yet to develop the virtue of nobility in this aspect. all i could think of was how shitty and crappy he was with me and that he doesn't merit an ounce of happiness.

for a time i did ask the same questions. is she a better person than i am for her to deserve what i only hoped for in the past?

and then it hit me. i wouldn't be this happy had i not broken up with him. maybe I am the better person for now I have someone i deserve.

and yes, maybe someday, i will find it in my heart to be happy for him.

for now i just can't. no apologies nor disclaimers. i simply can't.

my ex-future husband

a few years back, i made a deal. that when i turn 32 and i'm still single, i'm marrying this guy.

for years he was my confidante. one whom i can talk with about anything. he made me laugh...heck he made me cry. for a time i thought he was my soulmate. the connection we had was something i know no one can ever replace. unassuming yet intense

we've lost touch...he found someone and now, i too have someone.

i'm not sure about the happily ever after part but i know i'm happy...and for now, it's what matters.

my ex future husband was once my bestfriend...i just hope we still are...

i may be nice

but i AIN'T STUPID!

thank heavens for webtrackers!

now i get to see who's been keeping watchful eyes! tsk tsk!

oh well what can i say, life is too short to even care about what other people say or think about me. frankly, i find it very amusing. you wake up and then decide who's life you're gonna ruin next geez!

i'm not raining on anyone's parade nor stepping on anyone else's shoes. i sleep well at night and the people that matter care and love me just as much. i wasn't born to please everybody..nobody can.

to each his own i guess...whatever makes you happy....

i know I AM

what he feels, i feel

i once read of an old couple who were so in love that when the wife died, the husband followed shortly after. it was a love so intense and real that even death did not break them apart.

it was a story that brought tears to my eyes. i longed for something like that and back then, i didn't think i was capable of a love so pure that when the other is hurting, the pain is just as strong for the other.

that was then. today is a different story because now i know i'm capable of such. that indeed something like that happens in real life, among real people.

a lot has happened over the weekend and it took my boyfriend's pain for me to realize how much i have grown to love him. true, they were his issues, his past. but i'm part of his present. something precious was taken away from him and i know how much he aches.

no word could make him feel better so i didn't speak. i just listened. i cried the tears he couldn' cry as i held his hand. and when he needed to be alone, i looked over him from a distance.

i love him. but this weekend made me realize that i love him more than i knew. the story about the old couple was true. if you love someone so bad, you'd feel the same way he does. it's weird but i know it's real.

finally i found what i was looking for. the kind of love that even death could not part. a love that is worth fighting for.

i love you honey....

color everywhere

ever had that feeling when you're so happy and you wanna tell the world you are but you don't just coz you want to have that moment just for yourself to enjoy and embrace?

well, today just happens to be one of those and yes i'm gonna be selfish about it for a while ;)